On the dock of the bay

I like San Francisco. There are no two ways about it. The only thing I can come up with that is wrong with the city - it's insanely steep hills - are also something that adds to its character, meaning that the 'fault' is pretty much nullified. In a lot of ways, it reminds me of Melbourne. There are the street cars - including an old Melbourne W-class, still in its green and yellow livery from the days of the Met - the enormous expanse of water that fails to yield a single city surf beach, the local love of good food and music, the central shopping strip that is strangely reminiscent of Bourke St, and the glitzy neighbouring city that overshadows it all.

But there is one thing San Francisco has that Melbourne can't even pretend to lay claim to: The Bush Man. Although the name suggests there is only one, apparently, there are a few of them scattered around the city. Some, I've been told, even work in concert. The deal is this: take one homeless man, seated on the ground holding a branch that passes for a bush in front of his face. Place him near an object of street furniture, whether it be a bin, a seat, a light, anything will do as long as it's enough to register the object. To those looking directly at him, he will be obvious and will probably seem a little bit nuts. To those like L, who are absorbed in looking everywhere else, however, he will be invisible, just like all the other homeless beggars on the street who are ignored every day as a matter of survival for many city dwellers. He takes advantage of this invisibility to scare the living crap out of the unsuspecting. He suddenly thrusts aside his "bush" and yells, or simply thrusts the branch into the path of the passersby, having picked his mark carefully as someone who has not seen him, for maximum effect.

The result is hilarious for those who have noticed him (often by being given a fright themselves). It's like a hidden camera exercise. Only the tin beside him, for those who appreciated his efforts to amuse them to give him a little something back, gives away the fact that he is a genuine vagrant, not some actor with make up giving him the bad dentistry and worn out wardrobe of someone living rough. His wide grin suggests that he enjoys his job a lot.

The Bush Man has become a bit of a local celebrity. Tourists can even buy t-shirts that proclaim "I had the $^%£ scared out of me by the Bush Man". But it masks what is a large and growing problem, as far as I can see. Yes, he is doing something to support himself. It's a simple enough ruse that gives enjoyment - and fright - to many. But I have seen as many, if not more, beggars on the streets of American cities than I have seen anywhere else. In one of the world's richest nations, there are many who go without.

That this man is able to hide in plain sight suggests something about the collective consciousness of society when it comes to the down and outs around us. It is too easy to pretend that they are not there. The gratefulness of some beggars when you simply acknowledge their existence by shaking your head when they ask for money can be heartbreaking. I can't - and won't - give money to people begging on the street, if only for the security reasons I had drilled into me when I was younger (never reveal where you keep your cash, how much of it you have, or make it more accessible for someone who may or may not be able to overpower you), but I always feel terrible for walking by people who are obviously in distress. Yet the vast majority of people don't even notice that they're there. So well done to the Bush Man for taking the initiative and calling some attention to himself, if nothing else.

The Man from Independence

There was movement at the restaurant,
For the word had spread around,
That girls from overseas were in town.

The restaurant was in a town called Independence, a slice of southern California quirkiness offering a haven on the west side of Death Valley. That the restaurant was called Hooligans was just a bargain. But whatever the reason, L and I were clearly the biggest show in town, not withstanding the local "talent" occupying the stage with his synthesizer, a laptop, and a microphone. He was interested enough in us to ask from stage for details about us, where we were heading, where we had been. The waitresses came to visit us at regular intervals, even the owner/chef came out, missing front teeth and all, to see how we were going.

It's a strange feeling to find yourself a novelty piece. It was kind of flattering when we were walking from our motel to the restaurant/bar, to have guys literally hanging out of car windows checking us out (that doesn't happen too often these days. In fact, it never happened that often, even back in the day). But by the time the waitress had asked us for the fifteenth time if we were OK, it was getting a little old. Because this isn't a town without the occasional visitor. There's about 3 hotels, enough to accommodate the entire town, I think. There are hiking trails, fishing and hunting all nearby. It's between several major tourist attractions. I can't see any reason for there not being visitors to what seems quite a pretty town, if slightly quirky. My only guess is that we're 2 "girls" travelling alone, and that we're foreign. Either way, as interesting and flattering as it was to have so much attention, I think I'll be looking forward to getting back to being one of the tourist masses tomorrow in Yosemite. I'll just have to keep an eye out for Sam is all.

Troubled times

Approaching the half way point of the epic road trip, there are several problems that have reared their ugly heads. If I'm honest, I should have foreseen at least 2 of them. The rest? Well, nobody has perfect foresight, but hindsight is 20-20. Hopefully, I'll be able to avoid making the same mistakes again in the future. And some of the problems are beyond my control, so I just have to resign myself to dealing with them and moving on.

See, there are few things worse on a road trip - or any long trip, for that matter - than being sick. And so far on this one, I've had a cold that turned me into a travelling snot block between Boston, Philadelphia and Washington. And then, as we pulled into Chicago - snot free at last - I realised that I'd done something to my back. Something that made walking extremely painful. Potentially, something caused by driving through the storm from hell the night before - that's what I'm blaming. It's mostly eased up now, after experiencing Chicago largely by bus rather than the usual method of transport for L and I in cities - foot. But now, every time I have a long drive, every time the bed isn't just perfect, it twinges. I have to be extremely careful carrying my enormous pack, and I hate not being able to just throw it around. But physical impairment pales in comparison to some of the other problems.

Because whilst driving through some of the flattest, dullest scenery that America has to off in its northern states - thanks Iowa and Nebraska - L has become sulky. She's bored. And this has uncovered a fundamental difference in our travelling philosophies that was masked while we were jetting around Europe. She's all about the destination. And I mean ALL. The journey itself? Well to her, that's just the prelude where you plan what you're going to do when you get there, so anything that takes longer than reading the Lonely Planet is just wasted. Whereas I - the instigator of the road trip - am quite well able to cope with long stretches where there is very little to see. I'm not sure if it was my early training, taking long car journeys up through Australia's eastern seaboard, or if I'm just taking the Baroque view of things, where the journey is almost more important than the destination, but either way, I cope better. And by the end of a long day, where I have done the bulk of the planning and almost all of the navigation, since L struggles with map reading on the go, we're both niggly. And things get said. Like the bit where, after the longest day on the road that we will have, we were pulling into a budget hotel in Sioux City.

It was getting dark quickly, we'd missed a couple of turns and had to back track. All day I had been asked questions that I didn't know that answers to, that I couldn't know the answers to, never having been to any of the places before. And when she cruised into the car park - or what we thought was the car park - and asked what I thought was an idiotic question before accelerating so I couldn't see where to navigate her (because I have to tell her where to go, she not being used to or comfortable in unfamiliar places), I snapped. I told her to slow down, to stop asking me things I couldn't know, to take a look for herself. And we barely talked for the rest of the night. We unpacked the car in complete silence, she threw her stuff onto the bed (always the best bed...I don't know how she does it), and we went to dinner without her doing more than nodding. Last night was hardly better when I informed her that spending an hour at Mt Rushmore (which I knew would turn into 2 hours if I agreed to 1 - I know her photographic habits too well to rely on estimates of time to see places), at the expense of a couple of places further down that I really wanted to see, on a day when we will be spending around 8 hours in a car, that just so happens to be my 30th birthday, is not something I'm prepared to do. Sure, we'll be stopping there. We will see it. But she knew going in that this wasn't going to be an easy trip. And I think she underestimated just how much road time we'd be logging, and just how unprepared for long boring stretches she would be.

But not all of the problems relate to her (although her tendency to open the curtains before we're fully dressed, regardless of the outlook - or in-look - has caused me some anxious moments, as has her drifting and abrupt driving style). Perhaps the biggest problem is that I am fast running out of money. Boston and Washington DC sucked up too much of my cash and I'm now in the unenviable position of looking like I'm barely going to make it into the 3rd week of the trip before it's all gone. And when it's gone, there is no more. I have no resources to tap into. So how I'm going to pay my share of the car extras is beyond me. Although part of that is also caused by L and her insistence that she be put on as an extra driver, even though she refuses to drive in any of the cities and only does a few hours in the morning when we're in the country, or the evening when we've left a city that morning. Bam, there goes $145 of my carefully planned budget.

That's not to say that I'm not enjoying the trip, though. As I type this, I'm sitting in Custer, with a view of the Black Hills on the other side of town. Today sees us heading through the Wild West, towards Cody, and then Yellowstone. I'm loving what I've seen so far. I just wish there weren't niggles and worries to get in the way. And I've resolved never to do a road trip with L ever again.

Dazed and confused

I'm currently propped up in bed in a Chicago hotel room. I'm trying very hard to move nothing other than my finger right now, because I've done something to my back. I'm not certain when, or how, but I know that it wasn't there yesterday morning when we left the middle-of-nowhere place we were forced to stop in thanks to a combination of traffic jams and horrendous weather (think three hour lines of cars to get across the Canada-US border, followed by a storm with rain so heavy that I was driving at 20 miles an hour down a freeway, still barely able to see, and not even being overtaken). But it was there when the time came to lift my bags out of the car.

But either way, sitting here gives me a good view of the morning show that L puts on. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was just to provoke me. But I know better. I know that the fact we are in a first floor hotel room, with the windows open, curtains wide apart and cars and buildings all around us with prime views into our room is not enough to stop L from emerging from the bathroom wrapped only in a towel, shower cap still on her head, for some unfathomable reason. It's not enough to keep her from stepping out of the shower without a top on and standing in front of the window as she looks for something. Because it didn't stop her from stripping down to her flesh coloured singlet top before she went in, it never stopped her from essentially flashing the people up top on London buses from the windows of our old flat, and no doubt it won't keep her from putting on a show any time there is a window - because she likes natural light. And right now, there's plenty of that streaming through the windows. Luckily, it's Sunday morning. There aren't that many people out and about. Well, not compared to last night, at any rate. So I had better get on with getting myself organised for our day out and about in Chicago. But one thing's for certain: as I do that, I'm getting dressed in the bathroom.

Hilton: The 4 star screw up

One of the things we were really looking forward to on this trip was reaching Niagara Falls. Not only were we going to be seeing one of the natural beauties of the world, we had also decided to splurge and stay in the Hilton. It was going to be great; our room was high enough and cost enough that we were going to be having in-room views of both the Canadian and the American falls. We could hear the roar as thousands of litres of water rushed over the edge, we could almost feel the spray. We would be staying in luxury that would put our other accommodations (admittedly, chosen as much for their cheapness as any other criteria) so far into the shade that we would probably be griping about their crapness for the next 4 weeks. Or so we thought.

Because almost from the moment we arrived, I've been questionning whether it was worth all the extra cash. Sure, the views are great. But what do views matter when there is a litany of disaster strewn across the interior?

It started when we first arrived at the door to our room, fully laden with our bags because we were trying to avoid the insane tipping system that sees anybody getting cash out of you, however crap their service. But we couldn't get into the room, because neither of our electronic key cards worked. A trek down to the lobby later, and we could get in. And yes, the view is great, if you discount the enormous Fallsview Casino that splits the two falls, and the car park that partially blocks the view of the Canadian falls. Or the crane that is out to the side, by the corner window, with it's cabin just a floor below ours. It is awe inspiring, and we were suitably gobsmacked. Had that been the only problem, we would have considered our stay enjoyable, in spite of the need to divide the Crabtree and Evelyn toiletries between us, as they hadn't given enough for 2 people to use. But it didn't stop there.

After a trip to the Falls, and many photographs for L, we came back to the room, planning to treat ourselves to room service. This is, after all, an early birthday treat for me, and the only thing that would have completed it more than lazing about in luxury having room service (i.e., having minions wait on my every command) would have been a massage. But getting back into the room once again proved problematic. Because my key still didn't work. Luckily, L's did, and we were in, on the bed, and ordering from the children's menu in no time. When the food arrived, it looked great. L's lasagna was a gooey concoction of cheese, tomato and pasta, just as all good lasagna should be. Mine was a couple of chicken drumsticks with vegetables. The veg was delicious, cooked well and not dripping in oil, unlike many other meals we'd sampled to date. I bit into the chicken, crispy coating flying off the drumstick (I'd thrown caution - and etiquette - to the winds and was eating with my hands by this stage). But something wasn't quite right here. It was too hard to get through the bite. A look at the drumstick revealed why. There was blood oozing along the bone. I've never actually seem chicken that has been cooked do this before. It was stomach churningly vile.

So of course, I called up and got them to bring me a replacement meal. It took a while, as well. Someone came to take the plate away, first, clearly not believing me without seeing for themselves. By the time the new meal came, it was on towards ten o'clock. If I hadn't been starting to feel queasy from the rare chicken, I would have been ravenous, gnawing my own arm. As it was, I was a little wary of the replacement meal and immediately cut into the drumstick, not wanting a repeat. And it was almost as bad, the meat a horrible dark colour that suggested that it hadn't been properly prepared before cooking. So I called them up again to complain. "So you want it well done then?" asked the person on the other end of the phone. Now, as far as I am aware, you don't ever ask how you want your chicken cooked. There is no medium rare for chicken. There is only cooked, or uncooked. And this was clearly the latter. So I just got my money back, a strange hybrid of US and Canadian money that came with an apology and a promise to "tell the cooks". Because clearly, they hadn't been informed that they sent up a chicken that had only just left the coop the last time. By this stage, I was considering myself lucky to not be camped out by the toilet bowl, because I was feeling decidedly unwell.

So I did what seemed reasonable for someone feeling a bit sick. I went to bed and slept the sleep of the exhausted. After all, I had spent the day before reminding L that when she's driving, it's a good idea not to wander across the road, not to steer where you turn your head, and that the Americans drive on what is quite clearly the wrong side of the road. I had also been trying to answer questions that there was no way I could have known the answer to: how does the US/Canada border crossing work? where do I pay the toll? And, as you might expect, I was in a beautiful queen size bed, the perfect amount of support, the perfect pillow configuration. Sleep-wise, it was great. It was only when I woke up again and stepped into the shower that the next screw up hit me.

The shower should have been awesome. It should have made up for any number of pathetic showers along the way. It should have delivered on the border guard's assertion that only the best things are to be found in Canada. But it didn't. Because the thermostatic mixer thing was loose. Because gravity pushing things down. Because the hot setting was at the top of the dial. Because I didn't like being scalded whilst in the shower. Funny, that last one. I have a strange dislike for the sense that my skin is about to leave my body. Probably a similar feeling to what the chicken had as I bit into it's leg. But either way, I've come out of the bathroom and to my computer, still with something of a stomach ache, all steamed up because there's no exhaust in the bathroom either, to sit on my ratty desk chair (like something that the Thistle hotels I was working on in the UK would have discarded long ago as being too worn out, given that you can actually see the padding on the seat), with the TV providing a fuzzy picture reminiscent of the reception you get with the old bunny-ears style aerials, and turned to my blog to work up the kind of righteous indignation I can never manage in person. Because although I plan to go downstairs and complain, and demand to know what they're going to do with me, I'm certain that I will be ineffectual. And that's not right. Because this is supposed to be a treat, staying here. It's supposed to be a bit special. And so far, it's been special for all the wrong reasons.

Washington Burning

I've been in the US for almost a week now, and I've never seen such extremes. The rich and poor are pretty sharply divided here, and it's not by geography. If nothing else, it's the levels of bitterness that seem to mark them out. And as a white woman travelling here, I seem to come in for my share of the bitterness. Because the poor are predominantly black or Latino. In the course of three days in Washington, I have been abused because I didn't respond to being called "white girl" by someone in a wheel chair who, I realised a few seconds too late, was asking me to open the door. I might have felt a whole lot worse about that had I not been laden with around 30kg of bags at the time, and barely able to walk myself. The other time was when L and I were walking through the apparently safe, upper class streets of Foggy Bottom, where we were yelled at across the street by a down and out drunk, who screamed that we were "white hos".

It's not restricted to race, or even locals though. Wandering the paths of Arlington Cemetery, a beautiful peaceful place the sheer scale of which is overwhelming, we came across a group of French teenagers on a school trip. I thought it was a strange place to take a school group, but as a way of getting across the nature of America's militarism, and the respect in which they hold the armed forces here, I guess there are few better places to go than a monument to the fallen that not only overlooks the national capital (not to mention the Capitol), but is within the grounds of a vanquished foe of the Union from the civil war. some of the French boys had outpaced their teachers and, when they didn't get a response to their question (in French) asking if we understood them, proceeded to follow us along the path with the continuous stream of filthy gutter slang that would have had their mothers washing their mouths out with soap, if not cuffing them across the back of the head. Because we do understand French, we just didn't realise they were talking to us when they asked.

But there you have Washington in summary; beautiful monuments and stunning settings, with the constant background hum that something isn't quite as full of pomp and circumstance as the politicians and public servants would like to believe. I guess it's like Canberra, but on a grander scale. And so are the social problems. Because everything in America is bigger than it is anywhere else, it stands to reason that the social and racial divides should be no different.

Of course

It had to happen, really. And the timing is probably better than it ought to have been. The inevitable on-the-road cold has struck, laying me low at a point when I'm not doing the driving, thankfully, but annoyingly, right when I have to lug my ridiculously heavy bags to and from buses, since getting around on the cheap has its cost in physical pain.

But either way, I'm on the road, and have loved my road trip to date. Boston was gorgeous, even with the unseasonably cold weather of the second day, when we were in coats, scarves, and longing for hats. Just to contrast, today's arrival in Philadelphia was warm and temporarily sunny. We got to the hostel just in time to avoid a spectacular thunder storm, though, and too late to get into any of the sights. So we snuck around outside, checking out the Liberty Bell (I'm still tempted to call it the Taco Bell), and a few buildings. Now I'm staving off the cold with whatever drugs I had to hand - nothing terribly efficient, it has to be said - and sharing the love with the other people in what has to be the biggest hostel dorm in history - 28 beds, thankfully only half of them occupied. I can see I'm going to be popular here in a few days...

The Final Word

It's a grey Sunday in London, so it seems appropriate to get back onto my blog for one last time before moving on to greener pastures - well, lighter, brighter, warmer, with any luck. Because d-day - departure day, that is - looms large on the horizon, moving ever closer, and suddenly, I find that I only have a couple of days left as a Londoner. And it's a very strange feeling, let me tell you. I am currently homeless, unemployed, and whittling my possessions down to the smallest number I can bear. Somehow, I think I wouldn't survive as one of those people who are perpetually on the road, but by the standards of a pack rat like myself, the last three and a half years has been condensed to a scarily small pile of possessions.

The goodbyes have all been said, and I'm beginning to realise just how much I'm going to miss certain people when I'm no longer in the same country, continent, hemisphere. Because as much as I might bemoan the lack of possessions at the moment, the things that I'm also whittling down, like friends, acquaintances and flatmates, are the things that have meant the most.

I know. I don't normally go in for the touchy feely stuff. In fact, I normally run from it at a speed that people who have seen me exercise are astonished by. My hockey career could have been very different had I been able to put on such a turn of speed on the pitch (and if I had skills, but hey, that doesn't make such a nice image, does it...). But here I am, feeling the urge to get all gushy. Make the most of it, these moments don't come around too often, and I still can't manage to do it with any degree of sincerity and without resorting to cliches.

There are people I won't miss. The friend of a friend who came around this afternoon to buy my sewing machine, and spewed phoney declarations of a friendship we never had for the entire time she was here. The person who I saw for what we both knew would be the last time a couple of weeks back, who promptly went home after that night's drinks and unfriended me on Facebook. I also won't be missing London's air quality, the pavement pizzas to be found after pretty much every Saturday night, the men who turn all of the city into their own personal lavatory. I won't be coming back any time soon because of the lure of those things.

But there are people that I am going to miss, because they bring their own unique quality to a friendship. Jones, with her ability to bring bowel movements into pretty much any conversation. Chris, and her involved love life, the twists and turns of which are better than any novel yet published. L, the most motherly flatmate imaginable, with her tendency to voice every thought that enters her head, even if it's just a commentary on what she's doing at the time. C, sweet, giggly, and hilarious when tipsy. The core group of those who were out with me until 2am this morning, the chief causes of my husky voice when I eventually surfaced from a deep sleep today. They are the ones who have made living here, away from old friends and family, not only bearable, but enormously fun. And I will miss them. Drunken promises of catching up in Sydney for New Years Eve had better be followed through on...but just in case, I plan to annoy people on email until they come visit me, just to keep me quiet.

But that's the thing with leaving somewhere. My intentions are good, and so are those of the people staying behind. But the bittersweet truth is that, over time, there will undoubtedly be drifting apart. The number of people who keep in touch with will shrink. I think I know who will fall by the wayside, and who will last. But from here on in, the things that have come so easily while in London will require work. And I'm not known for my work ethic. So if you're one of the people I'm talking to, and you don't hear from me for a while, rest assured that I'm not ignoring you. I'm just distracted. I will get back to you at some point...just bear with me, that's all.

Meanwhile, off to America for me...Five weeks of Thelma and Louise style antics with L. Although hopefully without the murder or the messy ending. But I wouldn't mind if we ran into a Brad Pitt along the way...

A lot to answer for

I got very excited in New York over Christmas. There were many reasons for the excitement, but the one that made me stop in my tracks and walk a few steps back to check out a poster on a billboard was the discovery that the writers of The Nanny Diaries have finally gotten around to producing a sequel. This may be news to some - those in the UK, certainly, where it's not destined to land on shelves for another month or so - but to quite a few, it will be no shock. It was out in New York, it was out in Australia, and it made the journey back from Melbourne safely stowed in L's luggage until it was pounced on by me and read in a flash.

It's taken me a little while to digest what I read there. The book was lacking several things, not least of which was the fantastic alliteration of the Harvard Hottie - now he has a name, somewhat disappointingly, and is extremely absent for a large chunk of the book. The years have rolled by faster in Nanny's New York than in the real world, though, and suddenly Nanny is jaded, nostalgic and approaching an early mid-life crisis.

Gone also is the biting but disturbing critique of the wealthy society families. It's not nearly as surprising now to discover the truth behind something Cherry told Ponyboy in The Outsiders a few decades ago: It's rough all over. We've been presented with the dilemma of the rich child who has everything they want except the love and attention of their parents often enough to have become desensitised to it. And if we wanted to know what happens when the children grow up and reach high school, well, we've had Gossip Girl to instruct us on the difficulties of their lives. The parties, the clothes, the dash to spend cash - it's all too familiar.

The difference is that Kraus and Mclaughlin set their novel just as it was all revealed as a sham. They hint at the outcome before the story even begins, with a quote about Bernie Madoff's relationship with his sons. The makings of something a little more serious than the usual chick lit romp are already in place - even if they just re-use the framework from The Nanny Diaries. But somehow, it all falls flat.

Maybe it was me. I've read a whole lot more books with pink covers featuring cartoons of impossibly thin but beautifully dressed girls. I've seen Gossip Girl, and the episodes focusing on what happens when one of the rich bastards gets caught out. But whatever it is, somehow, Nanny just comes across as a little spineless and whiny as she hangs out with her former school mates, swans around town getting paid and enormous amount of cash to do very little, it seems, and fails to stand up for those who deserve it. Nanny, the great defender of the unloved, the champion of the children, has gotten all growed up and lost something in her years living abroad with her world-saving husband.

Still, for any who haven't read it yet, don't take my word for it. Read the follow up to the book that is credited with lifting the lid on Upper East Side Manhattan. Take a peek into the sort of lifestyle we can only dream about. Then follow it up with lashings of Gossip Girl; because really, who doesn't wish that they at least had the option to reject that lifestyle?

Beware Pagans...

At last there is light. So much so that I’m tempted to put my sunglasses on when I’m at my desk for certain times of day. I’m at risk of being blinded. It has to be a health and safety issue. But I don’t really mind. Because, as long as I don’t venture outside, I can bask in the sun, stretching out my feet like a cat, and pretend that it’s almost summer, and I’m almost warm.

It looks like I’m not the only one with this kind of thinking. I’ve seen a few people tricked into wearing shorts, flippy skirts, bare legs and sandals. There’s a more sensible man leaning against a wall outside. It’s the end wall of a terrace, and he stand beneath a wall-mounted street light, head raised to the sun and looking like he’s about to indulge in a pagan ritual. He’s smart enough to do it whilst wearing a sheepskin jacket with a heavy beard to keep his face warm. Although now I think about it, judging by the amount of laundry he’s just picked up from the laundromat in his supermarket trolley, I’m wondering if that’s as much because he didn’t have enough clean clothes as anything else.

I do feel that I should brave the cold and offer him a warning though. The last man I saw leaning against that wall was facing the other way and searching for relief from things other than the cold. If the trickle he left running from the wall to the gutter was anything to go by, he wasn’t worshipping the sun. South London: workplace, temple and toilet, all rolled into one handy location. How convenient.

Waxing lyrical

It's enough to make a girl get homesick. Reading the Melbourne newspapers online, I stumbled across an ode to Melbourne's arcades and laneways. Sure, it's advertising. It's selling a product that is, in turn, selling the bars and shops that haunt the back alleys of the city - the hidden gems that make Melbourne a place that takes some knowing. But reading through the list and seeing so many old haunts and places that I always meant to get to but never have, as well as a few I'm not as familiar with, well, it made the yearnings to be back in the Garden State that little bit stronger.

You can read it for yourself. See if you find yourself drifting towards the allure of Koko Black (incidentally, for any non-Melburnians who stumble across this, you don't just go there to buy truffles and the like; the hot chocolates are also just as good...and in the Block Arcade there's a fantastic chocolate shop as well. Or there used to be. Please god let it still be there). They may have missed out other gems, some whose names I can't even remember (the bar on the old town square? Anyone? I know it's something-Below and was designed by Six Degrees...that it's a great place to grab a drink on a sunny day, propped up on a bar stool outside in the sun). There are places outside of the city grid just as well worth mentioning that are missed. The Belgian Beer Cafe Bluestone - whoever thought of putting a pub in the grounds of the Institute for the Blind? It's genius.

But there you have it. Homesickness in a very concise dosage. All the things that Melbourne has that aren't weather dependent, that make it one of my favourite cities, a place that you have to spend time in, to get to know, like the quirks of an old friend. I've got less than one hundred days left living in London now. In around 150, I will be back in my home town, pounding the pavements, wandering the streets, searching for a job. And I might just stop off in Degraves St on my way out of Flinders St Station.

With a note from my Mum

I've been guilty of a little blogging absenteeism lately, so I've indulged in a little hypochondria to try and explain away what basically amounts to a combination of laziness and a disturbing lack of things to say. Think of it as the kind of note you always wished your Mum would write that could act as a get out of school free card - better than the Monopoly version, that's for sure.

So that headache that's been lurking around for a month or two? Nothing to do with allergies or a failure to drink enough water. It's a brain tumour. An aneurysm. A stroke. The stomach ache you got from eating too much stuff that was bad for you? A sure sign of a stomach ulcer (actually, given my current coke intake, that one might be true). The pulled muscle in your side? Appendicitis. So, here's the note...

Dear Reader(s),

Please excuse Killi's prolonged absence from her blog, as she has been recovering from a no doubt fatal illness that can only be diagnosed by putting her symptoms into Google. The most likely diagnosis to date appears to be chronic repetitive stupidity.

Yours sincerely,

Killi's Mum (Lulu)

There you have it. Yet another example of why I should not be allowed near a computer when I am both tired and tending towards a migraine. Who says paracetamol/ibuprofen are safe drugs? I promise not to medicate and blog in the future. I also promise not to let it go so long that nobody knows about the bizarre running woman the other day...but I have to hold something back for tomorrow now, don't I?

Addendum

A horrifying thought has occurred to me. When we were leaving the pub and I was asked which way I was going, I told the one who brought the pretty that I was going whichever way I'd have company, figuring that everyone was headed to the same place. Except it turned out they weren't. "He's going to Vauxhall, that would be quicker for you, wouldn't it?" came the response from the Bringer.

What if, instead of the helpful getting-me-home-quicker response it seemed to be at the time, it was actually a response to a "get-me-away-from-the-crazy-woman" look from Pretty over my head, that I just didn't notice at the time as I rifled through my vast but strangely empty brain for an excuse to head to the Northern line? What if the look that I thought was "nice to meet you" as we waved goodbye to everyone was, in actual fact, "thank god she's gone with him?"

And now we know it's a serious crush. Because the insecurity has kicked at full force in record time. Dammit. Insanity and crushes, who knew they went together so well? Oh yeah, that's right. Everyone knows. That's where the romantic comedy was born.

Uh Oh

I seem to have developed a dilemma that I'm kind of forced by circumstances to write out here. See, I made the mistake of doing Friday night drinks after work. Normally, not a problem there. In fact, quite the reverse. It's always a giggle to stand around in a pub and take my time over pints while the guys entertain me with whatever comes into their heads to talk about.



It seemed to be heading that way tonight. The guys were in rare form, discussing far ranging subjects that touched on a whole load of my interests. And then it happened. The friend of one of the guys turned up and I found myself tumbling headlong into the biggest crush I've had in a long time. The timing is a little odd, given that L woke me up during the week to tell me that she'd seen the last of my enormous crushes at the tennis in Melbourne. Maybe that set the scene. But whatever the cause, I spent most of the time trying to subtly engage him in conversation - he came in when I was about a pint down after a lunch of healthy, but definitely not stomach lining soup, so I was up for the chatty approach - but at the same time hoping that none of the guys caught onto the fact that I was head over heels with the Irishman in the white t-shirt.



I was thinking for a bit there that I didn't know much about him and, in some respects, I still don't. But at the same time, it doesn't matter. I know that he likes plays, and movies, that he's from Belfast and close to his family. He's tall and good looking and has an accent that means he says things like "fill-um" when he means film. He lives not too far from me, loves a good pub, and has been to Australia some time in the not too distant past. He ventures to Camden and doesn't like the "Primrose Hill set". He doesn't know the meaning of the word insipid, but he likes the sound of it. He didn't seem to be against engaging me in conversation, but at the same time spoke to pretty much everyone there. And he had something about him that made me look as soon as he walked in the door.



So now I will spend days thinking about him, wondering if I should say something to the guy from work whose mate he is. Thinking I should have taken the detour to walk with them to the Northern line tube instead of going with the much closer and generally more practical Victoria line and the less interesting conversational stylings of the one who was going that way. And I'll spend tonight longing for someone to be close enough for me to sit down and analyse the night, to tell me that of course he likes me - regardless of their real opinion. But instead, I'm here all but alone tonight, still slightly tipsy from beer, with a flatmate locked away in her room skyping her boyfriend on the other side of the world, and another flatmate home in Australia and incommunicado for the moment, completely unaware of my revery. So I'm blogging, and hoping that somewhere, someway, I'll get to know more about him, get to talk to him again. But figuring that it's never going to happen, because that's the way my crushes run.

Sprung

It has long been accepted that the seasons influence moods, sanity, general well being. Generally, summer makes us happy and winter makes us miserable. There's a reason that Scandinavian countries have high suicide rates and Russia has a history of producing long and depressing literature. But today brought out a new aspect of seasonal affected disorder, something I'd witnessed before but never really traced to something specific. Until this morning, that is.

I was, as usual for anything happening before lunchtime, running late for work this morning. I was fairly motoring along as I walked to the tube, but, as I powered up the hill, my shortness of 0f breath meaning I had my own personal cloud surrounding my head thanks to the cold, I saw something that added an extra bounce to the hurried semi-trot my pencil skirt was forcing me into. About halfway up the hill, in the garden of a big Georgian white house straight out of a fairytale, a magnolia tree has gone mad. Just so we're clear here, winter is very much still with us. Last week, there was snow and ice that only disappeared with what seemed at the time for anyone caught in it to be torrential rain. But since the snowfall of last Wednesday (which brought about an official apology from the weather forecasters, in a first ever admission of all-round crapness that wasn't nearly comprehensive enough), the weather has felt decidedly mild. Gone is the run of sub-zero temperatures. In it's place, a steady flow of comparatively mild 6's, with occasional sunshine breaking up the miserable rain and fog. The mildness of last Sunday in particular has had an effect on the poor magnolia. It's been deluded into thinking that spring is on it's way and has begun to sprout buds.

This tree has led me astray before, so I'm trying not to get carried away here. I remember last year, noticing that there were actual leaves on the tree just days before the heaviest snowfalls to hit London in almost twenty years. It is surely the most optimistic of trees, running far ahead of its neighbours in it's rush for winter to be behind it. But I couldn't help but smile a little at the thought that, sometime in the not too distant future, spring will come. And with it will end the harshest, coldest and last of my northern hemisphere winters. I can hardly wait.

But neither, it seemed, could a couple of other people out and about today. Because, in the space of about ten minutes this afternoon, I looked from my window at work to see two more people who have clearly emerged from the depths of winter without their sanity. The first was a woman, middle aged and seemingly ordinary until you noticed that her lower half was covered by a skirt. And nothing more. She was clearly not wearing stockings. Nor was she wearing boots - footwear of choice for the sane pretty much every day so far this year - or even closed in shoes. She had summery sandals on her feet instead. And they weren't even blue.

Closely following her, a man proved that weather-induced insanity is not gender specific. Sure, Britain, and England in particular, is known for the first hint of sun bringing out the sunbathers in the parks; topless men and bikini clad women risk frostbite annually on days when I'm still debating the need for my winter woollies. But this guy? The first of the year to be exposing skin whilst sober, surely. He was wearing shorts and thongs or, for those non-Aussies who are slightly disturbed by the thought of a man walking down the street in a thong, flip-flops. He wasn't out for a run. He wasn't just popping to the shops. He was headed somewhere specific, I don't know where. But I didn't see him come back, so I'm guessing the men in the white coats caught up with him eventually and took him somewhere warm. If it's toasty enough, it's almost tempting to copy him, to be honest. But no, I'm holding out for the weekend. Apparently, it's going to reach a whole 8 degrees. Heatwave conditions. I'm not sure how I'll cope...

Top Quality

I've been reading chick lit again. Devouring it, in fact, ever since I got back from New York. The latest conquest is the I Heart... series by Lindsey Kelk. It's thrown up a couple of questions though. Like how you can stick a disclaimer at the front of a book claiming no real or intended resemblance to any real person, then proceed to rip off reality. Sure, sounds harsh, but let me explain why I'm saying this.

The basic premise of the first book in the series is that Angela Clark, a Brit, runs away to New York when she finds her fiance cheating on her. So far, so chick lit. You just know there's going to be romance, new friends, smiles, tears and general dramas waiting for her as she gets her life together in a new city. The catch is, for me, that her first friend is a girl called Jenny Lopez. There are a load of references to the fact that she's not "that" Jenny Lopez, but still. Then she hooks up with a guy called Tyler Moore. Just like Mary Tyler Moore, but without the Mary. So naming characters is clearly not the author's strong point. The next character with a full name is Alex Reid. Hmm, I'm thinking this might have been written around about the time that Katie Price split from Peter Andre. Sensing some topical naming going on. What was she doing, sitting with a gossip mag on her lap, and an old TV show on the box while she was writing? And given the James-Blake combination in the second book of the series, well, anyone for tennis?

But whatever. What really got to me, though, was her description of Alex's 'hipster' New York born and bred band, Stills. See, this one is also remarkably close to reality. There really is a New York based band called The Stills who, just like the band in the book, had been together for nine years when it was written and met in art school. So she dropped the "The" and stuck her incarnation of the then-current squeeze of a celebrity in the front of the band instead of the real life Canadian who is really their lead singer. Wow, that makes it all totally original, I guess.

See, I don't read these books for their original plotting; there is something comforting about knowing that the girl's life is going to get totally screwed up but, by the end of the 300-odd pages (because they're almost always about 300 pages long) she will have gotten it together, whether 'it' is her love life, her career, her friends, her family, or some combination of the above. It's nice to see someone who, other than their ability to both afford and fit into designer clothes whilst eating hearty meals (because, after all, size 12 involves having an arse of monstrous proportions in that world, right?), could, theoretically, be you. If the world was a little more perfect. But come on folks. You can have a genre specific novel without ripping off EVERYTHING from somewhere else. Use a little ingenuity, please. Otherwise those of us who enjoy reading books with caricatures of beautiful women carrying loads of shopping on the covers will never be able to raise our heads on the tube for fear of meeting the eyes of anyone else in the carriage. The judgement attached to the knowledge that there is no defence for our reading choices will chatter us forever and reading chick lit, like overindulging on chocolate, will become a guilty pleasure to be hidden. And those of us who attempt to write anything at all will turn green - not necessarily with envy, more along the lines what happens when the Incredible Hulk gets angry - at the thought of what HAS been published, while knowing our own manuscripts would never make it out of the slush pile.

So, in a plea to all the people who write and publish these books, some quality control, please. I know, they sell like hot cakes. But has the publishing world totally sold it's soul? Has editorial surrendered control of the presses to the marketing department? And can the next I Heart book hurry up and come out? Because I want to know how Angela's life is going to fall apart in Paris, and just how many hot men she is going to hook while dressing herself in designer clothes on a freelance writer's salary. And my own celeb-inspired novel? Well, as soon as I decide which Olsen twin to base a character on, it'll be in the mail to the nearest publisher.

Nit Picking

I've been indulging in a little naval gazing lately, partly brought about by a dose of the flu, partly by the weather, which has made it so that I'm terrified to set foot outside the house for fear of falling on my arse, getting filmed doing it, and ending up on funniest home videos. That's led to a whole lot of examining why I'm so clumsy and why I'd rather sit inside and look at the pretty through the window than venture out and experience it first hand. Because it has been pretty. And I do love snow once I lever myself out of the chair and pull on every item of clothing I own - not just because it's cold, but also in a vain attempt to cushion as much of me as possible; given that I woke up this morning feeling like I'd managed to dislocate both hips in my sleep, I think it's a futile exercise.

But at least I think I've found the source of my inner klutz. It's a result of my innate laziness. The incident where I tripped and ploughed headfirst into the side of a train? Was because I'm too lazy ti lift my feet properly after the first hundred metres of sprinting. Being falling-down-sober in the casino and ending up with a seriously sprained ankle and a trip out of the service entrance in a wheel chair? Because I was too lazy to pay attention to just how many stairs there were. The ball flying off my own hockey stick and into my face? Product of a half-arsed attempt to tackle someone in a training drill. Doing the splits getting off a bus in Tallinn Christmas before last? Because I was too lazy to use muscles properly to step down slowly and just went flop - in more ways than I'd expected as it turned out. And my current inability to walk down the icy footpaths now that London has officially stopped gritting any non-major roads? That would be my failure to develop the stomach muscles necessary for balance.

Given half a chance, I could easily become one of those hermits who crops up in kids movies, the one who has the messy, rundown house but is never seen. The scary neighbour who, like Boo Radley, the only reason you know they're still in there is because you haven't seen someone carry them out yet. And the inevitable consequence for me of living like that would be the way they'd eventually have to get me out of the house; it would also be like something off the TV, only it would be the shows where they have to remove the wall of the house and use a crane to lower out the lard ball trapped within. My laziness is accompanied by a deep and abiding love of all things bad for me. Television, books, writing, hell, even sewing. So many things that can keep me occupied for days, weeks, months, without needing to step beyond the bounds of the living room, the kitchen, my bedroom. As long as there is something for my mind to do, I could be content. Strangely, my mind has never been lazy. It's always been rather active, in fact, mostly in search of reasons for me not to be up and moving. I guess something had to move, just to prove that I was alive.

But it turns out that I've always been lazy, right from the very beginning. When I was still rolling around on the floor, refusing to even sit under my own steam at an age when most kids were walking, I was taken to the doctor for fear that there was something seriously wrong with me. And it turned out there was. I have been medically diagnosed as stubbornly lazy. When propped on cushions, I would dig my heels in until I was once again lying on my back. I learnt to talk incredibly early so that I could order my brothers to bring me anything I wanted. I'm fairly certain that this early show of determined sloth had resulted in the lack of stomach muscle definition I am blaming for my appalling balance. My suspicions weren't contradicted by last weekend's phone call to my parents.

I seem to have been a topic of general conversation in Melbourne, where they have been wondering how I cope with the cold (refer above for the answer: I don't. I make an environment where it isn't cold and I stubbornly refuse to acknowledge any alternative). There have been news reports of people falling and breaking bones. Mum is justifiably convinced that I'm going to join the ranks of these people. Given my track record, I can understand the concern. She was trying to make sure that I had the right shoes on when I went outside, but I promised her I hadn't left the house without wearing hiking boots since Christmas, that it wasn't that I didn't have the right shoes, but rather that I didn't have the right balance. Mum's response was typical, fast and to the point.

'Yes, you were never very good at rollerskating, either, were you.'

Confirmation from an unexpected source - when your mother doesn't defend your abilities, you've really got no hope, and besides, how many other people went rollerblading and ended up getting stuck on tramlines? I was a truly terrible skater - I've cringed every time I set foot outside this week until the overnight rains washed away the last of the snow and ice. If they hadn't, I might have been forced to dig my heels in once more, but this time to avoid being flat on my back. One of these days, I'll just give up and stay inside. And on that day, you can call me Boo.

Feeling for Snow

It's been snowing in London. It's been bitterly cold with it. I've been lucky, in some respects, because a dose of the flu has kept me at home - although L believes that I shouldn't have stayed home when my sinuses felt like golf balls were lodged underneath my eyes, but should rather have gone to work and saved my sick leave for something more serious; I'm guessing she expects me to have an accident bad enough to require amputation one of these days. But it has meant that I haven't been forced to venture out since the snow started falling, which in my world can only be a good thing. I'm well enough this morning to have to go out though, and I'm not looking forward to it. Because last night, listening to the cars on the street skidding into each other at low speeds - or in the case of one unfortunate ambulance, higher speeds, it occurred to me that there are things you don't know about snow if your only contact with it while you're growing up comes through the television. So here is my later life list of lessons about snow.

First up, while it's falling, it's basically rain. In movies, it always looks so pretty, giving everything a nice white dusting. And when you're watching it falling through a window, the prettiness holds. When you're caught out in it without an umbrella, on the other hand, you will come in looking like a drowned rat. Just a little colder than the usual and in some cases, a drowned rat with dandruff until the flakes finish melting.

Snow makes sounds while it's falling, but also somehow seems to deaden some sounds at the same time as it makes others travel further. The soft rushing noise of it's falling always alerts me to the need to look out the window. If it's falling to softly for the noise to reach me, the absence of other sounds at home let me know that there's something going on. The traffic noise seems to disappear into the mush. But at work, it's the ability to hear the bells of the church near the tube. On normal days, they can't be heard over the noise of traffic. On snow days, it's like being next door to the steeple.

Walking through fresh snow also makes a lovely crunching noise as your boots break the surface tension. It's a crisp sound, lovely to hear the first time, until you realise that everybody who's out to make that sound is really just compressing the snow. It's then that you learn that your life in a sunny climate has in no way equipped you for life in a cold one. You can't skate, you can't ski, and you damned sure can't walk on the skating rink that snowy footpaths become as more and more people flatten the snow into ice. Because crushed snow, the kind that you find on footpaths, for example, is not the pretty crunchy stuff that fresh snow is. It is hard packed ice that the inexperienced have to shuffle along, like the cars on the road with wheels spinning but no traction. Until the men with their shovels and grit make it to work and start clearing safe pathways, footpaths become dangerous territory. And there's no escape.

For all that, though, it is really beautiful. The novelty of seeing London covered in a soft snowy blanket makes up for the days of stomach clenching misery that follow as I negotiate my way to work.

Ooh, work...damn, late again. Oh well. The other thing about snow: it makes a convenient excuse for tardiness.

Forfeits

I got back from my annual Christmas/New Year trip to pretend that I'm not an orphan yesterday. Flatmate L and I were in New York. First impression is that I can't really give a first impression of a place that seems to familiar; after seeing it in so many TV shows, movies, clips, books, the geography of the place is so familiar, the accents, the lifestyle, everything about it seemed like I'd been there before. It was a great trip. And now, I have to pay the price of that.

The most obvious cost is that I'm jet lagged. Not nearly as badly as the last time I went home - I feel like I could be awake until at least 3 pm. But the tiredness isn't the true cost of the jet lag. It's a little more complicated than that. See, L is, in some ways at least, superhuman. She doesn't need to sleep, or that's what she's convinced herself. So, she doesn't. All during the trip, I experienced the joy of being woken up when she decided it was time. And today, she felt that I had slept enough, deciding to try the subtle method of turning on the TV, which is right over my bedroom. Except she turned it onto a music video channel - her favourite viewing selection, if Friends isn't available - and now we will have Lady Gaga running on high repeat for the rest of the afternoon. Now don't get me wrong, I like a good music video as much as the next person. Unless the next person is L, because she has something of an obsession with them. But after the first hour, the repetition drives me insane. And I was proud that I managed to get through our trip away without killing her, so I'd like to keep that record intact. Not likely when Gaga is telling me that he can't read her poker face.

Of course, the other penalty is that I have to head back to work tomorrow to pay for it all. And for the first time since August, I won't be on reduced hours. Welcome to 2010. There's a whole month of working full weeks until the almost full pay kicks back in. And I'm so excited about the full pay that it was easy to forget about the extra time at work. Not that we work so hard in the first place - it's still a lighter load than any full time job I did back in Australia. But the first week back after a break is always tough. It feels like a month. And that's when it's a short week. The tricks of the calendar make this a full week. Joy. Well, I guess I did spend nearly every penny I earned - and a few that I didn't, thanks to the wonders of credit cards - so here we are, back with me needing to work.

But then I think back to being in New York. To sitting on a distinctly lopsided boat while fireworks went off next to the Statue of Liberty for midnight, and it suddenly seems worth it. Because at the end of the day, I'll still pay almost any penalty in order to travel. I just reserve the right to bitch about it when I get back.

Mythbusters

Anyone living with their head under a rock might not have noticed that there's a climate change conference going on in Copenhagen at the moment. In honour of this fact - or maybe not in honour, but rather coincidentally - my office has sent around an email to explain what the company is doing to improve on our environmental performance.

There were all the usual things you'd expect; changing from the bottled water that used to get delivered weekly to filtered mains water, recycling bins around the office, advice to turn off computers when we leave for extended periods of time and to unplug any chargers left lying around. So far, so ordinary, and easily put into practice. In fact, most of these things, except perhaps the water, have been accepted practice for the entire time I've been at the company. It's the final aspect that has been most difficult to accept.

We have been advised to cut back our printing levels. Just to be clear, the paperless office concept has been around for a long time now. It has never made so much as a dint in the world of architecture though, unless you count the zeal with which young architects throw marked up drawings, criss-crossed with the red pen of their superiors, into the recycle bins bound to be scattered around offices. It only takes a moment to realise that it's not even our fault. While we design buildings that can run off the power of a sneeze, it takes thousands and thousands of trees dying to generate the documentation to get them built. Firstly, we have to supply the authorities with three sets of everything at A3, and often one at full size A1 as well (take your average A4 sheet, double that to get A3, double that to get A2...you get the picture, right?). The client always demands at least one set. Every contractor that tenders for the project gets their own set. There's a copy kept on file. Every time there is a change to a drawing, it has to be sent out again. Then, on the really big projects, there's the mother of all tree killers: the A0 set of drawings. 40 to 50 sheets, enough paper to keep New York's homeless warm and dry for a year. Paperless office? Yeah, we wish. We could issue all of this in electronic format, as PDFs. But twits ask us to print it. In fact, they require it.

The result could be seen as I wandered to the door tonight on my way out. One of the side effects of our new hours is a much closer relationship with the office cleaners. The directors have to lock up themselves, now, instead of employing security staff to do the job for them. So they can get home at a reasonable hour, the cleaners come around bang on our official finishing time. Where before they were faceless smokers outside, chatting to each other in Polish as they waited to come inside, now they are people. We talk to them, we are aware of the way they work. Seeing one woman going around the top floor with a squirty bottle and a rage, trying desperately to find a clear space to be wiped - and failing, for the most part to manage more than one squirt per pod - it occur ed to me to wonder just how much paper was being generated by the climate change conference in Copenhagen, and whether they'd come up with a solution to bureaucratic red tape. Somehow, I doubt it.