Sunday, December 26, 2010

The art of visiting

I've been playing host to a house guest for the past week. I like to think I've been a pretty good host - provided spare keys so they can come and go as they please, directions at any time of day, suggestions for what to do, and three days of escorted touring that has added about 600km to the mileage on my almost-new car - at hefty cost in fuel considering that it's Christmas. Most important of all, I have taken her along to my family Christmas, making sure that she wasn't orphaned for the day. I have taken her to my friends' Christmas, including buying a Kris Kringle present for her so that she didn't feel left out. I have cooked for her on no less than three occasions, two of them after having been at work all day.

In return, I have had the pleasure of her company, received a bottle of booze, and had my dishes washed twice (although apparently, finding the place where everything goes was a little too much work). I have had my shower clogged with her hair, I have had my bathroom sprayed with water, my tap twisted out of alignment, my spare bedroom made into a bigger sty than I ever managed, every power point touched left switched on, every light in the flat on at various times, a hissy fit chucked when I dared to suggest that on Boxing Day perhaps I might see some of MY friends that I haven't caught up with for Christmas instead of trekking all the way down to the frigging Mornington Peninsula for her to see some friends of her aunt's who she met when she was 20. You'll notice, the one thing I haven't received - any sign of thanks.

I know I won't comment, but I have almost ripped her head off on several occasions, the best one being when she insisted that she knew my mother MUST have a particular cleaning product in the house, in spite of me knowing that she never used the stuff. My knowledge of my mother's house cleaning habits was, of course, inferior, because she dived under the sink and came out with the product in question, and a very smug look on her face (turns out that kitchen benches must be cleaned with disinfectant before dishes can be stacked on them - wiping them with a damp cloth simply won't do). Not sure she noticed it later when Mum picked up the bottle of cleaner and asked where that had come from, because she didn't know she had it. I'm also incapable of even folding my own laundry. A trip to the loo before sorting things into a state that she considered appropriate for them was too big a delay for her. I came out to find her folding my underpants, and not listening when I did everything short of swear at her to get her to bugger off and leave my clothes alone. If I'd wanted to move them, I would have done it myself, as soon as I was out of the loo. We've been mates for a while, but we're hardly at the point where it's fine to fold each other's undies.

Earlier today, when someone cut in front of me as they got on the freeway, and I benefited from the wonderful joy of her driving instruction, about how she would have acted. Me having my foot on the brake was not enough of a response, apparently. I should have changed lanes. I should have done this, I should have done that, because this delightful guest of mine is always in the right, and can never concede that she might be wrong - although she has proven to be so quite a few times. I should know all of this. In fact, I did know it before she arrived, but it had never been brought home quite so strongly to me before. Or maybe it had, during some of the weeks that we spent working together on hotels in the UK. I remember seething with resentment quite often, but knowing that me venting any of it could very well lead to a stand-up fight, so I always swallowed the bile that rushed to spill out of my mouth. And I've done it again this time, biting back the words that I want to say, the times when I can feel the steam about to blow the top of my head off. Or more likely, the top of her head. I'm not known among my closest friends and family for my subtlety, but I'm not close enough to this one that I will blow my top openly. So I seethe and plot revenge, instead.

But if she thinks I won't repay the favour of being the world's most annoying house guest by visiting her in Brisbane in 2011, she can have another think. Of course, I can't chuck a tanty when she doesn't dessert friends and family during the holiday season to chauffeur me around town - her family is still back in South Africa - but I can make life difficult for her. I can run up her power bills, her water bills, I can be messy, I can sit around and watch her prepare dinner after a day at work. I can give her advice on how she should be doing things, I can correct her every thought, wilfully misunderstanding her, and never giving an inch in an argument even when the people involved are talking about completely separate issues. I can do all of this.

The question is, can I do all of that and still keep the friend? I think not, on the whole. And the annoying part is, when she's not being the world's biggest know-it-all, she's great fun. It's just that at close quarters, the fun gets buried in the pedantic crap that she also spews, and the fact that you realise she doesn't know half as much as she thinks she does. I can't see the friendship lasting long-term, in all honesty. But I'll be damned if I give it up before I get a weeks free room, board and transportation in Brisbane.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Bill me

Somewhere out there, some companies have put together a list. On this list is the name of every person that those companies feel can be over-charged on their bills, without anybody noticing. Somehow, my name seems to have ended up on that list.

First there was Lumos, a power and gas company, who keep trying to charge me for power and gas. Two problems. Firstly, they aren't my provider, I go through a different company, which I have told them several times over. They still keep sending me bills. But the biggest reason why I know I don't owe them any money, apart from the fact that my name isn't on the actual bill? It's because at least some of the charges go back before I'd even signed the lease on my flat.

Then the phone company tried it on, adding a ridiculous amount to a bill, but deleting it as soon as I queried it, telling me that if I hadn't been informed about the charge when I signed up, then I didn't have to pay it. The ease with which I got them to take it off makes me think it's a "hit-'em-up-and-hope-they-pay-it" kind of charge. Well, nobody gets one over on this little black duck, let me tell you. Especially not to the tune of $80 a month. It all adds up.

This month, it was City Link who had a crack. I use the toll roads they administer for work, on the rare occasions that I have to head into head office, and even more rarely when I'm heading into town for a night out. It doesn't happen often. So getting a $140 bill for a month came as something of a surprise, especially given that the last month had been a zero balance. I shouldn't have been totally surprised. I'd had a warning shot fired over my bow last week, when they sent me a text saying that my account was being suspended. I couldn't work out why, but didn't get around to finding out why, because I wasn't planning on using it in the near future. But now I want to use it, and I can't. The strangest part is that nobody can actually tell me why my account has been suspended. All the bills that have been issued before have been paid. This one is in dispute, and only arrived in the mail today. The kicker, though, is that the account was suspended 2 days before the statement was even issued.

I have to say, I hate that the roads are tolled in the first place. The most commonly used stretch for me is a road that was built when my mother was still at school. I begrudge having to pay to use it. Before I moved away, I refused point blank to drive on it, out of principle. Notice, time in London has eroded my principles in favour of ease of use. Because it does make my life a whole lot easier, halving my travel time to and from head office. But if the price of convenience is a 25 minute phone call with someone who couldn't actually resolve my query, and could barely enter my problem into the system because there wasn't an automated option, then I'll go back to taking my time to get places. And if they argue that it was my car, I can call in character witnesses to help defend me, because anyone who knows me at all would agree, there's no way in hell that I was passing under one of the City Link gantries at 06:50.

So I'm issuing a warning. I've had enough. Any company that thinks it's OK to over charge me, or add false charges to my bills, don't say you weren't warned. Just ask Virgin in the UK. I am capable of prolonged phone calls where I am able to maintain anger and coherence, all at the same time. It might have taken me a while to get Virgin to do what they were supposed to, but I know how to do it now. And I don't have the cash to throw away on the whims of some accounts department screw up. If you see my name on that list, cross it out. Because one way or another, I'm not paying and you'll regret sending me a bill for something that I didn't use.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Fanatic

I need to start this post by putting out a disclaimer. I am not usually one of those fans of things who goes around trying to either become a character from their favourite novel. I've never knowingly stalked anyone (there may have been a few coincidences in bumping into people, or accidentally googling them; these do not count, because the people involved were not famous). I've never read fan fiction, either. For those not in the know, that's the sort of thing where someone who is in love with a book will write their own version of it, changing things a little to bring about a different outcome, or creating entirely new scenarios for future works. I knew it existed, of course I did. I am, after all, a bit of a nerd about these things. But only a bit of a nerd. Like I said, I'd never read the stuff before. Before, of course, let's slip that I've read some of it now. And it's all the fault of the office temp.

When I arrived at work on Monday, I found a note on my desk. Scrawled on it were the words, "You have to Google Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.' It's FREAKIN AWESOME." (her caps). I'd heard her talking about various fan fic things before. Apparently in one version, Malfoy ends up with Hermione, which is what inspired her and her boyfriend to head along to the latest Harry movie dressed up as those characters. She's a big fan. But either way, I was a little wary. But it's been bucketing down so much this week and, in a moment of boredom at lunchtime, I checked it out. And now I'm hooked.

I'm sure it's just this particular version. And there are huge chunks of it that I just skim with my eyes slightly glazed; there's a whole lot of science in there. But it's like someone took Harry Potter and jumbled him up with Artemis Fowl, throwing in enough sci-fi and genuine science to get every nerd on the planet completely addicted. It turns out that a completely mad, despotic version of Harry, who is friends with Malfoy instead of Ron, and ends up in Ravenclaw, throws up a hugely entertaining novel (if you ignore the bits that go whizzing over your head). So I guess that means I'll be paying more attention to some of the suggestions made by the temp. But I don't care how good the fan fic is, I'm not dressing up. I've got to have some part of me that stays non-nerd. Or at least got to be able to pretend that. Yep, it's all about deniability. Harry Potter-Evans-Verres would understand, I'm sure.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

The week of death

I'm in the process of dieting, trying to undo all the badness that was done during my race to the finish line on my thesis. It's going to take some work, apparently. I've entered the third week of the diet and, overall, I'm half a kilogram heavier than I was when I started, in spite of religiously checking my food, following a strict diet, and eating things that I would normally scrunch my nose as I turned away from. All in all, not the best way to spend the festive season, but I figured I'd seen enough sweet sugary or chocolatey things to get me through. Perhaps not. Cravings from hell for all things sugar, and nightmare withdrawal headaches for the first week. The headaches have eased, but it turns out that the cravings haven't.

And yes, the scales say I've actually gained half a kilo...what they don't tell you is that, due to what I think (i.e., hope) are ordinary fluctuations, I went up by 2.5kg in the first week. So I'm not telling myself that I've gained. Oh no, in my head, I've lost 2kg. Which sounds less impressive when you know that it's taken me 3 weeks to do it.Especially frustrating since the diet I'm following is supposed to drop a dress size in six weeks. Well, diet people, I'm halfway there. Where's my new wardrobe coming from? Oh, that's right. It's not. Because this week, not only am I entering the stage of dieting where I normally start to sneak back to my bad habits, but I'm also entering the week with the first Christmas party of the season. It's under three weeks to go, folks. My tree is up, my presents are, if not bought, then at least planned, and the festive season is in full swing. And I haven't had a a single mince pie yet. Not this month, anyway, and the one I had on a visit to Nana's doesn't count because, after all, she's my Nana... So, as the season gears up for the week of death for all diets, who thinks that this time next week I'll be griping about my eating habits? Yeah, fat chance...