Welcome wagon

I love my new flat. Really, I do. I've been almost 2 months now, and it feels like home. I've got things how I like them, my stuff is everywhere, and I love having my own retreat from the world. Not least of its plus-sides is that it is 6 minutes from work.

And for the most part, I like my new neighbours. The senior citizens downstairs are friendly, the women in the next block always smile and say hello, the gardener is hot - as he should be - and very friendly. But the guys who share a landing with me have a little bit to learn about how to not piss off your neighbours. So I thought I'd compile a list of tips, all the things I'm too chicken to say to the white shoe wearers.

1. Never, ever play your music so loud that it rattles the plates in your neighbour's dish drainer. If they can hear the words - assuming, of course, that there are words - it's too loud. If they can feel the bass as they sit on the couch, it's too loud. If they have their own music on but can still hear your combination of turkish pop, rock, and south american pipe music, it's too loud. Same goes with your television, the football, in fact any kind of noise.

2. Don't fill your neighbour's bin the day after they have been emptied. How do I know it was you? Well let;s see...you has a party in the stair well till all hours, the bottles in my recycle bin are a lovely combination of girly sweet drinks and turkish liquer, and there's a collection of chip packets, pizza boxes, and styrofoam takeaway containers; I'm guessing it isn't any of the pensioners.

3. When you drive past my window, I should not be able to hear your radio.

4. When your friends arrive, there is no need for them to cluster on the stairs and have conversations that would seem loud if they were in my living room. Get them inside, shut the door, and shut them up. And they shouldn't have to knock on your door. Be an adult and get a door bell.

5. Smiling and waving in a Joey-from-Friends "How-you-doing" way is not neighbourly. Especially when I've seen your girlfriend.

SO there you have it. My tips for the cavemen next door. Now all I've got to do is get the ones on the other side of the fence to change the program on their swimming pool filter to not start at 9am on weekends, and it will be the perfect flat.