The wheels that fall off

It's crunch time in my office once again. Round 3 of redundancies has started. Because of my unique position, I'm not included in this round - I renewed my contract for another 2 months just before finishing up at Christmas. I'm feeling very fortunate after the way things went today. It seems I am the last of the contractors still standing in a company where there were once a lot of them. There are people far more experienced than me who are being let go. Associates and directors are taking pay cuts. Everyone jumps when their phone rings, checking to see if the call is coming from the conference room or the board room. I find myself getting tense along with them, even though I know I'm fairly safe for the moment.

We hear constant stories of other practices laying off 60 and 70 workers at a single blow. In my office, the notice about this round came out on the emails on the second day back for the year. Now people are debating whether they would rather have known before Christmas or not. Some say that they would prefer to have known, so they could curb their spending a little just in case. Others feel that it was better to have had that time stress free before the axe falls. Personally, I think I'd rather know. I hate the uncertainty that goes with not knowing what your future is. At least then I could have been a little pro-active.

It is a strange situation to be in, from my point of view. Yes, every 2 months I have to renegotiate my deal, and spend the last 2 weeks of that period frantically trying to get myself organised in case this is the last time I will have a chance to do my folio. It's still not done. I hate the thought of leaving the office where I am and being cast out into a vacant job market. I still don't understand why they seem to be going to such lengths to keep me. As far as I can see, I'm mediocre at best at what I do. I have no knowledge that others don't have. My skill set is fairly basic for someone my age. I can only conclude that I must be seriously cheap. That and the fact that I never - and I mean NEVER - argue with them. I never make waves, I just do the work. Even when I was under an alcoholic, drug crazed psycho I never openly complained. I could never see what good it would do me. I think that might have been the bit that got me through, dealing with the nut job. Perhaps they were more aware of what was going on than I thought they were. It's the only explanation I can come up with for them keeping me on when the people running the projects I work on seem to be tumbling like pins before a professional bowler. As it stands, I seem to be the spare. It's not comfortable.

I hate what is happening to the market here. The fear of people, the constant discussion of the latest company to go to the wall. There is no good news anymore, it seems. And even worse, there is no end in sight. From my precarious position half way up the ladder of project control, it is a terrifying view. And somehow, I the rungs above me on the ladder seem to be dropping on my head. If this keeps up, I'll be so far out of my depth that I will no longer be able to tread water. There are too many others who have already gone under for me to remain afloat for long, I think.