Follow through

So, the big date has now been and gone. And it went well. It went very well. In fact, right now, I'm grinning like a loon, safe in the knowledge that we have planned a repeat for Saturday night. The catch is that I am now outside my relationship knowledge. I've never really had a date-based relationship before. The only other thing I've had that came close to being classed as a relationship - sometime back around the turn of the millenium, known as the stone age to many - it was a more simple thing. He was without a car, so I picked him up. We went to pubs with mutual friends who were also dating. We went on outtings. We had a whirlwind for a few weeks, then he had to go back to his army unit and I hardly heard from him again after a month or so of his being back in Townsville. This is different. Not only because of me being older, I guess, but for other reasons too. It feels different.

But what the hell do I do know is a question that repeats itself in my head over and over again. I have no idea. Sure, I've read all the romantic books. I can theoretically fill the blanks. But i"m beyond the realms of my practical knowledge. I'm in unfamilliar territory and as happy as I am tonight, I know that the panic attack of last night is unlikely to be the last if things keep going the way they are. Damn this whole excitement thing...I can't handle the stress of having anything that remotely resembles a successful social life!!!

The iceburg

Disaster has struck. Not on the job front - busier than I care to admit at work, especially given the ever-shrinking staff levels. No. This disaster has sturck much closer to home. It's the night before the big second date. I've been getting sorted, figuring out what I'm going to wear, organising lunch for tomorrow so I don't have to do it in the morning. Everything was settled (although the outfit might yet change). And then I felt it. The tingle at the corner of my mouth. Yes folks, that's right. In the lead up to a date with a nice guy, I'm developing a cold sore. Now I can't help stopping to check every mirror I go by, and feel compelled to prod my mouth which is perhaps not the smartest idea. So for now, fingers are crossed that it's just a zit that's a little too close to my mouth. I don't really believe it, but hey...Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's not. I'll just have to distract myself with whatever I can find on TV for the rest of the night. Ooh, look, High School Musical. Great. Brainless crap with beautiful people and teen angst, all rolled up in one wholesome package. Not a zit or a cold sore to be seen. Bliss.

The wheels that fall off

It's crunch time in my office once again. Round 3 of redundancies has started. Because of my unique position, I'm not included in this round - I renewed my contract for another 2 months just before finishing up at Christmas. I'm feeling very fortunate after the way things went today. It seems I am the last of the contractors still standing in a company where there were once a lot of them. There are people far more experienced than me who are being let go. Associates and directors are taking pay cuts. Everyone jumps when their phone rings, checking to see if the call is coming from the conference room or the board room. I find myself getting tense along with them, even though I know I'm fairly safe for the moment.

We hear constant stories of other practices laying off 60 and 70 workers at a single blow. In my office, the notice about this round came out on the emails on the second day back for the year. Now people are debating whether they would rather have known before Christmas or not. Some say that they would prefer to have known, so they could curb their spending a little just in case. Others feel that it was better to have had that time stress free before the axe falls. Personally, I think I'd rather know. I hate the uncertainty that goes with not knowing what your future is. At least then I could have been a little pro-active.

It is a strange situation to be in, from my point of view. Yes, every 2 months I have to renegotiate my deal, and spend the last 2 weeks of that period frantically trying to get myself organised in case this is the last time I will have a chance to do my folio. It's still not done. I hate the thought of leaving the office where I am and being cast out into a vacant job market. I still don't understand why they seem to be going to such lengths to keep me. As far as I can see, I'm mediocre at best at what I do. I have no knowledge that others don't have. My skill set is fairly basic for someone my age. I can only conclude that I must be seriously cheap. That and the fact that I never - and I mean NEVER - argue with them. I never make waves, I just do the work. Even when I was under an alcoholic, drug crazed psycho I never openly complained. I could never see what good it would do me. I think that might have been the bit that got me through, dealing with the nut job. Perhaps they were more aware of what was going on than I thought they were. It's the only explanation I can come up with for them keeping me on when the people running the projects I work on seem to be tumbling like pins before a professional bowler. As it stands, I seem to be the spare. It's not comfortable.

I hate what is happening to the market here. The fear of people, the constant discussion of the latest company to go to the wall. There is no good news anymore, it seems. And even worse, there is no end in sight. From my precarious position half way up the ladder of project control, it is a terrifying view. And somehow, I the rungs above me on the ladder seem to be dropping on my head. If this keeps up, I'll be so far out of my depth that I will no longer be able to tread water. There are too many others who have already gone under for me to remain afloat for long, I think.

Number 2: The Dilemma

So. The guy from last week has been back in touch about a second date. And try as I might, he's putting this round on me to decide where we go. He chose a little bar not far from where he works and is now offering to come closer to my place for the second date. No issues there, really. Guess it's only fair to share out the decision making process, and it's also a chance that he wants to know what places I'll pick, if only because I was happy to let him make all the moves in round one. So. Now I have to choose somewhere.

I've suggested meeting outside the tube, keeping the options open until the last minute. Meanwhile, I've been hitting up various friends for ideas on where to go or what to do. Responses have been varied.

Our first date was simple. The bar was a nice place to have a chat, then we went the pizza option for dinner. All round, a nice vanilla first date. But this time I want something a little more cosy. I just have no idea what. It's complicated by the fact that I am broke, as ever. Makes me regret the fact that I wasted £20 on a lunch and movie expedition today...however much fun it was watching something nice and brainless for the afternoon (incidentally, tip for rom-com buffs out there...Bride Wars. Not, strictly speaking, a true rom-com, but well worth a giggle for the reincarnation of every Bride-zilla I've ever met). So, how to have a good cheap date... A friend has suggested cooking dinner for him at my place. Not a bad idea, I'm thinking. Few small catches though. No idea what sort of food he likes, other than knowning he's not a vegetarian, based on his pizza choice. Then there's the fact that, given the first date, dinner in my flat on the second might be a little too much of a jump - moving a little quicker than I might be prepared to go on this one. So, I'm still stuck. I can think of a couple of bars near where we've arranged to meet, a cafe or two. Nothing too fancy, but nice enough. There will have to be more research done. Not to mention cutting back in spending for the rest of the month. There goes my weekly lunch out at the Happy Place with the work girls. Hmm.

Does raise another question. Who should pay for a date? He offered to pay at every turn last week. I let him do it to a certain extent before making sure that I bought a round of drinks and put in for my share of dinner. It wasn't from any feminist assertive motive. I love that he tried to pay and that he was, in general, so old-fashioned gentlemanly. I just wasn't comfortable with the idea that men should pay for everything these days. I'm not saying it out of a drive for equality - although I guess it does come to that a little. I just know how expensive it could get if I am suddenly expected to pay for him a few times! I appreciate that dating must be a very expensive business for men when women just expect them to pay all the time. I don't think that shouting the other person should come so early in the potential relationship. Save it for later, and take me somewhere seriously expensive that I wouldn't be going to otherwise. Do it as a special treat, not to assert manliness. Only now, when I'm researching ideas for second dates, I've discovered that there are many different points of view about this. It seems some men feel that women who insist on paying their share are too pushy, and ought to be dumped immediately. Interesting thought, that they feel they have been stripped of their manhood by the simple splitting of the bill - not something I'd given a second thought to before.

Well, will just have to see how things play out...Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, as ever. Do have to wonder why it's all so confusing...

The games we play

I've just gotten home from a date. It was a nice night, with a nice guy who seemed to click with me. Wednesday night is a strange night to be meeting up for drinks, but we had fun and the night really only ended because he had to catch his mus home. It's even more strange, in many ways. I'm sick of the games that go on with dating. I played this one straight down the line, not fudging anything, not holding anything back if it came out in the general run of conversation. It will be interesting to see how it pans out, in some ways. Perhaps painful in others. Because this guy was genuinely a nice guy. He seemed to be open and honest as well, a gentleman in the traditional sense of the word (holding doors open, offering to pay, not pushing any point beyond courtesy). I liked him and would like to see him again. So I didn't play any games. Told him it would be good to do this again at the end of the night. But it feels like that was too much. Why?

How is it that telling the truth about such things can scare people away? I would like to see him again, to find out more. I have the sense that perhaps he'd like to see me again. He certainly said so and, unless he was playing a game as well, we might. But what if he was playing by the rules when i had thrown them out? Am I going to be left wondering again? And how long is it right to be left wondering for? Oh, I know all the rules for when you've been on a date on the weekend...if you don't hear anything by Wednesday, it's too short notice to be free on the weekend and all of that. I know Wednesday is the traditional day for making the weekend arrangements. but I already know that he's busy on the weekend. And our date was on a Thursday. What are the rules for mid-week dating, other than not getting too drunk to turn up at work the next day?

And just as importantly,many of my friends are on the other side of the world, blissfully unaware of - or ignoring - the fact that I want to dissect and discuss what happened. I want to go over every nuance of the conversation, every piece of information that was shared. Every detail of his life that he gave away. But those of them who do know that I've been out - a select few, it seems, given how many are away on holidays or have been out of contact since the arrangement was made this time last week - are either out of contact or unresponsive. I've just been on a good date in adverse circumstances (note to self: never wear new shoes on a date. Second item, never wear high heels in icy conditions in the morning and expect an unscathed ankle come nightfall). I want to know what other people think of the fact that he was waiting until the latest moment he could be certain that his bus would still be there waiting for him after he said good night to me. I want to hear their thoughts on his let's do this again sometime. I need to know if they think it was a mistake to send a 'thanks for a good night' text when I got home, given that there's been no response. But they're not there. So I can't tell for myself if abandonning the rules I'v eplayed to date was a good idea or not. I guess I'll just have to do what every other girl on the face of the earth, including earlier incarnations of myself, have done, and what it out. I just hope he gets in touch, because he seems like he might be worth the effort, so far. Meh, who can really tell after a first date???