Missing

Lost: One attention span. It is only short but is much missed. Since it vanished have been unable to work or study, so any information on its whereabouts would be much appreciated. Last seen some time before Easter running off into the long weekend. If found please return to my desk - either at home or at work.

Pride and Prejudice

Flatmate and I have started the horrendous task of finding a new flat - preferably before we have to leave our current situation, and even better if we can be moved in before my parents come for their visit at the end of next month, so they have somewhere to doss (incidentally, how wrong does it sound to say that my parents, a pair of sixty-plusers who have qualified for senior citizens discounts for a few years now, are dossing?). The chances of this happening are looking increasingly slim.

The London housing market is in something of a slump. In fact, the London everything is in something of a slump, hence the need to move. However, my new revised, run-through-the-dryer-in-spite-of-washing-instructions budget doesn't stretch very far around the area I live now. I always new it was expensive. It's been a stretch the whole time I've been here, given my complete inability to save money (surely it's there for spending, no?). So I'm confronted with the task of finding somewhere suitably cheap and cheerful. But there is a catch. Flatmate is very attached to this area. In fact, I think it will take a bulldozer to get her out, no matter how much she hates out current flat. Based on recent forays onto internet sites, she's willing to either live in the worst flat in north west London, provided it's within half a mile of our present location (with restrictions, of course), or, it seems, to subsidise my rent to a ludicrous degree. It's not that she's ever visited many of the places that she has written off. In fact, some of them she's never heard of. It's more that she has a prejudice against any postcode that doesn't start NW but isn't within 10 minutes of at least 2 of the major London parks. 

Don't get me wrong here, I love the area too. There's the parks, there are bars, restaurants, and amazing transport locations. But there are also rents higher than the GDP of many African countries. And that's when you combine those GDPs together. I'm also realistic enough to figure that if I struggle on my current salary, when the pay-cut kicks in, I'm going to be drowning in debt in a hurry. 

But I also have my pride. I am willing to live in a nice enough but not over-posh part of London, to the east, to the south, to the north and my only prejudice against the west is that it's far from friends. I am not willing to sacrifice the quality of my living premises though. I draw the line at a single room, sharing a room with a stranger, or living without a lounge room. As far as flatmate is concerned, these seem like reasonable sacrifices to make in order to stay in the area. For me, they would be a year of torment, knowing that if I had been able to convince her, I could have had an enormous room in the docklands, potentially with my own bathroom and bills thrown in. I could have lived without having to borrow money. I could have still accepted invitations out. I wouldn't have Kiwi paying all the time when we go out.

So now, my pride runs up against her prejudice. Any physicists out there? What happens when two imovable forces collide? I think the outcome may be quite catastrophic. So I've been looking into flat shares within my budget all over London, and lining up viewings of flats in areas I can afford. She has been contacting agents about flats so far out of my budget that if I was to pay what I've told her I can afford, her rent would not be reduced at all on what she pays now. The question of who wins - or which estate agent does, at any rate - has yet to be resolved. Stay tuned, sports fans.

Ew, gross

This morning on the tube I had the joy of seeing one of those moments that makes you want to rush for disinfectant. I usually have a fairly high tolerance, compared to flatmate's OCD tendancies. I can make it from home to work withot reaching for the hand sanitizer. In fact, I don't actually carry any. Nor do I carry wet wipes in any form. I do, however, find that it's best to find some soap after getting off any form of public transport. This morning's effort just reinforced the lesson drilled into me by my mother.

It started out as an ordinary black-snot-inducing day. I was chatting to a friend the other day who had thought that his mother was referring to steam trains when she warmed him that taking the train in London would make his snot black. He laughed and told her that steam trains didn't run in the UK anymore. He still believed that until he travelled on the Northern line. Now he uderstands.

But it wasn't the colour of anyone's snot, black, green or otherwise, that had my stomach turning over this morning. It was the man who decided that sitting in a full carriage during peak time was the perfect opportunity to investigate just what was inside his nose. He carried out an in depth inspection, delving for gold for the entire journey between London Bridge and Oval. He might not have stopped at Oval, for all I know, it's just that I got off there. What I do know for sure is that, once his inspection of each fingernail-full was carried out, he rolled the discoveries up and flicked them away from him. 

For all the disgustingness of his actions though, there was a part of me that desperately wanted to giggle as I remembered one of the vile parodies of Heman's 'Casabianca' poem that could be found in my primary school playground:

The boy stood on the burning deck

Picking his nose like mad.

Rolled it into little balls

And flicked them at his dad.

And for that moment, I was back in the library reading Alright Vegemite, Far Out Brussel Sprout, or a similar collection of silly rhymes, with all the other grade fours and rolling on the floor laughing. And for that fact alone, I almost forgave the nose-picker.Almost. Doesn't mean I didn't go straight to wash my hands when I got to the office, though.

High Drama

There has been a whole lot going on lately. That's my excuse for not posting in over a month. So here's the quick rundown on everything. I (once again) promise to post more regularly. Scout's honour. Does it matter if I was never a scout?

I've survived yet another round of redundancies at work, although I have been forced to take a pay cut - still a better option than trying to find a new job when I know there are people out there who have ben unsuccessfully lookng for months now. It feels slightly wrong to be celebrating the fact that someone else lost their job instead of me. It's like survivors guilt. We never know why we were spared, only that we were. The feeling when hearing that my job was safe was almost enough to make me turn to religion, at the time. It was a pretty big thing, given that if I had been made redundant, I would most likely have had to head home. And now is not a good time for that. So instead, I just have to find a new, cheaper home, and bid a very fond farewell to my lovely garden flat. Such a shame I didn't really get to use the garden terribly often. But the idea was there...

Parties have started up in London again. There were no Christmas parties last year. Or none thrown by the companies that we deal with at work, anyway. Everybody was edgy and dull. Now, it's the end of the financial year and they all seem to be either launching a new showroom (I was at one the other night that looked like a night club. Apparently, they do fabrics. Not sure where they hid it. Canapes were great, though), or just spending whatever was left in the kitty before the tax man claims it. And fair enough too. So I've had a couple of weeks where I've hardly been home.

Of course, there has been another reason for not being home. He lives in East London, and shall henceforth be known as Kiwi. A little too tempted to put a smiley face in there. I've been indulging in a little too much text speak lately. But, the short version of it is that Kiwi is tall - at last, a tall guy over here! - a kiwi, obviously, and very sweet. Breaking all the traditional roles in relationships, he's the romantic demonstrative one. I'm just along for the ride. Almost put a smiley again. Best move on.

I'm studying again. This time I have to write a thesis, to finish the honours part of my degree. Two years, many many words. I've finally picked a title for it though - Portrayals of fulfilment in Chick Lit. It's the perfect excuse to re-read all my favourite down time authors. And the best part is that it won't even involve me going out and buying any books, because I already have them. Genius, or what? Now I just need the time to sit down and do the work that I'm supposed to be updating my supervisor on...

Part of the reason that my team think we saved our jobs is that the associate who oversees our department is heading back to Australia to get married at the end of next month and not coming back, meaning we will be a team of 3. Well, 2, really, since I'm already back doing architectural work rather than interiors. Last night was the associate's hen do. In a fit of budget consciousness, I decided I couldn't afford the first part of the planned outting, a trip to the races, meaning that when I caught up with them at the restaurant later, most of them were...let's go with merry. Raucous could also be used. It was an entertaining dinner, with plans for karaoke to follow. Just as we were getting sorted with the bill, however, smoke started to billow out of the ventilation system. Quickly gathering all of our things together, we got out of the building in a hurry. We did pretty well, I think. With about 20 at least partially drunk people (I'm averaging it out here) we only lost one jacket and one phone. Most of us had the forethought to pick up the cash that we were about to put in kitty (although one girl claims to have left a £1 trillion note on the table. Good luck getting that one back!). But we did get separated when the fire truck arrived. There were tears and hugs when the other hal of our group was found, and a lesson was learnt by all. It doesn't matter that a tipsy mother followed her daughter out of the building and was seen standing next to her when the fire truck pulled up. When she can't find her five minutes after that, she will get frantic and assume said daughter is still in the building. It was more than a little disconcerting to see the amount of smoke pouring from the windows at the floor we had been sitting on. If I think of it, I'll post a photo on here later to illustrate the drama. It all happened very quickly. We eventually wandered off to our karaoke booking, not a small percentage of us singing "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire". The rest were indulging in a little Gloria Gaynor survival. Had to warm our vocal chords up somehow, I suppose.

And that's it. That's my life and times for the past month. Now I have to go and deal with the roaring headache that I seem to have picked up somewhere between the fire and getting up this morning. Now where did that come from, I wonder? 

Battle lines

My incredible shrinking office is at war.



In spite of the much-reduced number of people working in the office, it seems that one microwave is not enough to deal with everybody's lunches. Nor is the cooktop an option for heating soup, it seems. Because every day sees a new skirmish in the battle for kitchen supremacy that HR is waging on the rest of the company, with specific reference to my team.



See, we know that the line for the microwave still gets out of hand. So rather than waste precious lunchtime minutes, we tend to head kitchen-wards a little early. We're there every day except Friday, in some way shape or form. And now, so is HR. It's becoming ridiculous. We know that she hears us head into the kitchen. And then she pounces. But it's not to tell us off for jumping the gun on lunch - although we have a feeling that if she wasn't carrying a tin of soup in her hand she'd like to. It's to complain about the fact that we have yet again beaten her to the microwave. She sits within 10 metres of the kitchen. We sit in another building. How we 'beat her' remains a mystery to all of us. Today, she beat us to it. Perhaps she's finally snapped and has put CCTV cameras in our area.



Tomorrow, however, it's a new round. We will fight her in the kitchen. We shall never surrender our right to use the microwave as and when we see fit. It is not the beginning of the end, merely the end of the beginning. The battle has been lost today, but tomorrow the war rages on. And next week, we're moving back into the main building, where we won't be walking past her desk to get to the kitchen. Then, my friends, then we shall see who the true victor will be.

Yes, I've been taking too much cold medication. I will stop. I promise.

The New Deal

OK people, here's the deal. In an attempt to discover if there are more people looking at this than the two that I know about, I hav put a counter on my profile. I don't have great hopes of reaching double figures, to tell the truth. But it would be nice to see that someone out there is looking.

OK, I'll be honest. I was bored and was playing with the 'add gadgets' heading in the settings panel. Dear god I'm sad. Straight home from work to sit on the couch and tell myself to move, to make dinner, to wash some clothes. But I'm still sitting here.

It's been a long day. I can barely see straight from staring at the many-coloured lines of drawings on the computer screen at work. Some days I wonder if it's worth it. And then I think of all the things that I want to do, and all the money that is needed to do them. I think of all the giggles and fun times I have with the girls from work. And I think of the alternatives to working without winning the lottery. So yes, it's worth it.

So, the new deal is, I'll stop griping about work. I'll lever my butt off the couch and I'll get onto all those chores. And in return, the counter of visitors to this site will tick over at a healthy rate.

Yeah. Right.

Desolation

I have never pretended to love my work. It serves a purpose - let's me do other things - and doesn't always bore me stupid, so it's a step up from some of the jobs I've had in the past. It's generally a fairly happy place to be, because the others in the office tend to share similar views, to a certain extent. We're all quite happy to leave the office at the end of the day and go to our own lives. Sometimes that means that we all go out together. More often, it's catching up with friends and couches of our own. Which is what makes it especially sad to think that my office is changing.

Walking through the buildings now, it's like wandering an ocean of empty desks with occasional islands of work happening. Early last year, there was barely enough room for all of the people in the London office. When I left to get my visa situation sorted out, there was no doubt that there would be a permanent position waiting for me on the other side of the approval process. Now, the company has halved in size since the first round of redundancies last August. The losses have been almost exclusively architecture and support staff in London. So far, the other departments and offices have escaped unscathed. Areas that used to buzz with people jammed together are now silent. Either the gap to the next desk is too far for chatter, or there's no work going on.

Last Friday was the last day at the company for around 7 people, maybe more. Many kept the news to themselves until the last minute. Some never commented at all, just quietly cleaned their desks and left for the last time. For some, it's an opportunity to go and do the things they have always wanted to do. For others, it's a terrifying prospect. There is one who will become father to twins in June. Another has worked at the same desk for almost 20 years. He was in tears as he left for the last time as an employee. There are bills, mortgages, living, and there is no work out there.

The usual leaving drinks were held on Friday night seeing us trekking all over London trying to oblige the people who were leaving. Lunch in Goodge St. Back to the ghetto for drinks at our usual watering hole. Racing north once more to Hoxton Square, before running for the last tube home. There was a kind of desperation in the celebrations. We all knew that things wouldn't be the same after this, and we were determined to give them a good send-off. But this isn't like any of the other rounds of redundancies. This time, there is absolutely nothing out there for them. And even for those of us lucky enough to still have a job, there is the knowledge that we may find ourselves out of work at any time. The drinking was enthusiastic, the merriment forced, the fear lurking in all of us about what might be around the corner. And today in the office, all was silence, awestruck with the speed of events and no end in sight.

Because we all feel it. A Depression is not just about the economic mood of the country. It's about the attitude. The building industry is depressed in every sense of the word. The bubble has burst, and we're all wondering how long it's going to take for another to start to form. Please let it be soon. The emotions that were floating around on Friday were not pleasant and can only end badly for some who invest a whole lot more in their work than I do. For those who are defined by it, I hope the turnaround is on it's way. But somehow I doubt it.

Striking a balance

The world seems to need balance, and there are some things that will never change, however things may shift. Take Flatmate and I. We have only so much satisfaction to be shared out between us, regardless of the area in which we are satisfied. We seem to share out happiness in roughly even measures, job satisfaction and luck with boys.

At the moment, we're about level on job satisfaction. There's good and bad for each of us, with her working longer hours and my job alternating between boring me to tears and stressing me with the lack of security. We're roughly even on mood swings as well. It seems lately that one of us is always up and the other down. Occasionally we'll hit a good patch where we're about even and get the giggles together.

Right now, flatmate is on the first of three dates for the week. Based on the text I got a little while back, it's gong OK, but she's not sure there'll be a repeat performance. She's not likely to be too stressed by that aspect - not nearly as stressed as she was about the date - because she prefers either of the two still to come to this one. Meanwhile, in an evitable sequence of events given the combination of Flatmate having prospects and it being around Valentine's day, I have just fielded one of the more awkward conversations I've ever had. JD - he's destined to have that name forever in here now - has just proven what a nice boy he is and called me to say that he's met someone else in the time since I last saw him, and that he doesn't think he'll be seeing me again. Very decent of him, I know, but rather hard to be on either end of that phone. So, for the first time ever I have a prospect make it past Valentine's Day, only to discover that it fizzled within a week the other side.

So there you have it. Or rather, don't have it right now. It seems that the running is all Flatmate's way. One of these days we'll sort out the balance, and we'll both get what we want. Until then, well, good luck to her.

From Hell

I've been reading about the horrific fires that have ravaged my home state of Victoria, and I've been gob smacked by the stupidity of some people. It's nothing to do with the poor people who have been caught up in the fires. For them I feel nothing but sympathy at the trauma that they have not only gone through but are still experiencing and likely to be trapped in for a long time to come. No, I'm not amazed by them, other than by the fact that any of them made it out alive. My shock is that anyone could try and make political milage out of such a tragedy, especially while it is still not over, or that blame could be so central to the focus of so many people who are not involved.

There are many reasons for the severity of the fire, certainly. There are probably many ways it could have been prevented or at the very least minimised. It does no good to argue that government policies are to blame, or greenies who argued against the clearing of bush undergrowth. It is even less senseless to suggest even the possibility of something I saw on one of the message boards that basically amounted to the installation of a state-wide sprinkler system to put out the fires as they started (do have to wonder if the person advocating that has any concept of the distances involved, given that he suggested using sea water when it was politely pointed out that part of the problem is the almost total lack of rainfall to Victoria).

But the most bizarre and offensive suggestion to date is of the psycho religious variety. The appropriately named Catch the Fire Ministry seems, at first glance, to be a fairly standard extremist Christian organisation (yes, I'm at best agnostic, but seriously, take a look at some of the things these people advocate...I'll fill you in). It's leader has a knack for attracting publicity and is often linked to former Liberal politicians, a fair indication of right-wing status if ever there was one. But anybody who suggests, as this mane did overnight, that the enormous disaster of the fires was brought about by the government's actions in making abortion lawful ought to be taken somewhere quiet and having some sense knocked into them, and fast. And not just that person, but also the media who give them a forum for airing their bizarre views. Anyone could think that there is justification in the bible for the burning to death of men, women, children, innocents who may or may not have had any involvement or even opinions on abortions, ought to take a look at the passage where Sodom and Gomorrah were saved simply because there was one just man to be found in them. How can someone, supposedly a godly man, grandstand on such a subject? Does a lot for the reputation of Christians the world over. I can think of several who'd far rather that he'd just shut his trap.

And in the mean time, heartfelt sympathies to anyone who has felt the impact of these fires. I may be on the other side of the world right now, but I spent many weekends in the Kinglake and Marysville area and thought of it being wiped out, along with so many of the wonderful locals, is bad enough. Experiencing it must be something beyond comprehension.

Notting Hill ad infinitum

It's official. Hugh Grant is ruining our lives by raising the expectations of women across the world when it comes to relationships (http://www.theage.com.au/news/lifeandstyle/lifematters/reel-love/2009/02/09/1234027939181.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap2). It seems appropriate to warn people about this in the lead up to Valentine's Day. Even more appropriate in light of the poster I saw outside my local shopping/cinema centre advertising Valentine's WEEK activities and specials. They're stretching it to a week now? It was hard enough to endure as a single for a day. Even as part of a potential couple, the thought of an entire week of schmaltz is enough to make me gag.

I am a closet romantic, it's true. I've read more than my share of Chick Lit books where the girl gets her man. I'm contemplating writing a thesis on them, so devoted am I to fluffy literature. I'm a massive fan of the romantic comedy film. I can - and do - talk relationships for hours, days, weeks. But I think if they stretch it to a week, even the most openly romantic soul will become a little jaded. She's my flatmate, so I'd rather not have to deal with it if it happens. There is an antidote in another friend's blog (http://www.treadonme.co.uk/). Whilst she is romantic, and writes openly of her wish to be an Austen style heroine, her sister - also wanting it, if her comments are anything to go by - is more sceptical. And that's as it should be, I think. Hope for the lightening bolt, but realise that even for the greatest artists, inspiration is only part of the battle. As beautiful as a Monet painting is, just think of all the paint stains and hours standing over the easel that must have gone into it unseen by the outside world.

Or perhaps just remember the origins of the word romantic, with the nineteenth century philosophical movement headed by the likes of Wordsworth, able to write wonderful (if over wordy, but who am I to criticise for that?) poetry, but sadly lacking in real world skills. One of the fathers of the Romantic movement left his love and his child behind in revolutionary France; he would not set eyes on them for ten years. Some romantic. Wordsworth's poems weren't the only writings to come out of the Romantic period though. Take a peak into some Gothis literature if you want the antidote to romantic comedies. Yes, there's love and modern kinds of romance in abundance. There's also blood and gore by the bucket and some of the corniest, terrifying villains ever created. So much for romance.

So, in the spirit of the Romantic Wordsworth, I'm heading off for Valentines. Months ago when it was looking like we were both going to be alone once again for that most soppy of days, Flatmate suggested that we take a weekend and head away somewhere that nobody knew us. Ironically, I would actually like to be around for this one now. Funny how that works out...

Note to self

It's one thing to discover that you know how to email a post onto your blog. It's entirely different when you remember that your work attaches a signature to the bottom of your emails just after sending one of the three posts within two days that you've been distracted enough to prepare (it was the third. In case you were wondering). It's even worse when a quick check confirms that your signature has not only your name, but also your work email address, telephone number, and office address. Try finding this out during the hours when you're locked out of the editing options of Blogger as well. Torture. Torment. I can only imagine how much worse I would have felt had anyone actually read my blog. Luckily, I have a readership of two - in a good week.

So, it's back to the drawing board (ie the computer screen where I do my drafting work, in so many senses of the word) and a return to irregular posting. Dammit.

Rhythm

I've been back dancing in the past week and have every intention of going regularly once again. We'll see how long that resolution lasts. It was great fun though, and has set me to thinking about various things, not least of which is how to cram as much of it in as I can without spending any money. Quite the challenge as it happens. Another question is how to meet some guys who can lead, so I get to follow for a change. Because the type of dancing I'm talking about here isn't the go-to-a-club-and-stand-in-a-circle-with-your-friends type of dancing - although that does happen sometimes, to a certain extent. No, I'm talking about swing dancing, the joy of jitterbug, lindy hop, charleston and, for the brave, balboa. Maybe even shag. As long as people are around who can find 1 better than most of the people in Sunday's class! I've never heard a group of people clapping supposedly in time to music sound more like a ragged round of applause. The teacher assured us that it's something that can be learned. Some clearly need to study harder than others. Finding the beat was always the one thing I could do without trying though, so shouldn't be too critical of others. Maybe they'll just be better at finding the moves?

There are other questions, as well. I know there's no way I could get nice boy to go along with me to these things. (I can't keep calling him Nice Boy. Sounds too weird. So let's christen him J.D. As in John Doe, but much cooler - can't give away names here. I have discovered that I can be found by Google searches and we can't have people knowing what I write about them unless I know them very well. So maybe his name will appear later - maybe). He's really not the dancing type, as we discovered last night when we ended up in a karaoke bar and ended up trashing almost every person brave enough to get up, while agreeing that we would never do it without a whole lot more alcohol than we were going to be drinking that night. So the juggling act starts to grow - friends, hobbies and potential boys.

There are other dilemmas as well. Next week is Valentine's Day. It is a month since our first date this weekend. I'll be away next weekend, on trip to Lisbon with Flatmate. So, is it appropriate to send a Valentine's text? Was never going to comment about the one month thing, and think in many respects it's better that I am away for St V's as well - too much pressure too soon, I think - but should it be commented on at all? Actually having to think about it is a bit of a novel situation for me, and we're neither of us the most demonstrative people. I'm struggling to find the right rhythm in this situation. Don't want to push too hard, but also want things to move on. God only knows how to manage it. I certainly don't.

Tick . . . Tock

Clock watching is a dangerously tempting activity. Especially when I realised that I hadn't gotten around to saving all the setting changes that I made to my blog at lunchtime. If only I could get back into it now, I'd actually be able to post both this and the last post I wrote (I ran out of time at lunch, and cannot access the blogger website during "work" hours thanks to the censoring software the office runs. Grr). So instead, I just thought I'd comment on the futility of clock watching

The last 6 minutes have been an eternity. I'm not sure I can make it to 5:30. A whole 115 minutes! And all I have to do are landscaping drawings (ie putting label tags on the lines representing different types of fencing on a large development site) and bathroom details

I watched the new Minder series last night. It put things into perspective when I saw the sort of scheme that I work on detailing being prepared by the dodgy developers trying to blackmail a poor innocent pub owner who refused to sell. Wonder what they'd make of the fact that I troubleshoot these mega schemes and attempt to make it so things run smoothly on site? Of course, our clients aren't like the Golds. Oh no. They'd never bend the rules at all. Strictly legitimate. They would, however, dock the pay of any of their employees who couldn't make it out to their offices in Seven Oak because of Monday's snow.

OK. Nose. Grind stone. Here goes.

Cold and grey in February is just plain wrong

The snow has turned to slush and London is once again cold and grey. It's been so cold in my office that I didn't bother putting my lunch yoghurt in the fridge this morning. I just left it in my bag by my filing drawer. Yes, I've tripped over it a dozen times today, but when I popped the tin foil (incidentally, never, NEVER try to peel the tin foil lid off a particularly sticky tub of yoghurt whilst ever so slightly squeezing the plastic tub. Especially if you're off on a date that night. It will not end well for anyone. Well, you, mostly) inside it was a cool as if I'd just pulled it from the fridge. Handy hints for the refrigeratorly challenged

Given that the return of grey also meant the return of rain, I'm trying to keep from getting my perfectly straightened hair wet by staying inside. Anything rather than having to present Nice Boy with my usual less-than-well-groomed self. You know it's bad when you're comparing notes with someone about how bad your hair is (you know you do it...) and comment that yours is a mess because all you've done to it that day was comb it when it was damp then aim the hair dryer at it for a bit before tying it back, and the response is 'Do you dry it?' in surprised tones. So I don't think he knows me well enough to be prepared for that just yet. I entertained myself at lunch by going back to Jen Lancaster's blog (www.jennsylvania.com It's sarky, it's nasty, it's comic genius), which was what inspired me in the first place with this whole blogging thing. I keep hoping that I'll have the same luck she did, getting book deals and a lifestyle out of writing. Maybe someday there'll be someone who stumbles across this blog, isn't scared off by either the catty bitching at telephone companies, the lack of any real substance to the posts, or my complete unwillingness to spell check, and will throw a six-figure book deal my way. Hell, with some work on my part I could probably reel out 3-4 in a couple of years.

But no. I'm not silly enough to think it's ever going to happen in the real world. A girl's got to have a dream though. Something to tide her through until 5:30, when she runs for the hills...OK, I'm not running for the hills. I'm dashing for the mirror, to put on a little make up before racing back to north London and a cinema where Nice Boy will hopefully be waiting for me. He just texted to let me know that he didn't get stranded in the fresh snow that fell across Hertfordshire overnight, so we're all set. Cold? Great for snuggling...Grey skies? Huh! Mood lighting. Drizzle, however, I'm less forgiving about!

Everything's turning to white

It's been snowing in London. Snowing a whole lot, in fact. I went into a bar last night, came out and the world was all soft and white. It turns out it's just as well I left when I did. If I'd stayed I might have either shared the fate of some of the people who were also at the dance class I'd been to and ended up sleeping in the tube station, or I would have faced the hour long walk home through snow that was coming down fairly heavily, by London standards. I also might have missed out on making a snow man last night.

Turns out though that I have had plenty of time to make up for any fun missed last night. It was the worst snow London has endured - the word the news readers are using, not my choice - for around 18 years. It certainly made for a pretty white blanket over everything. The kids in the area were going nuts about it all this morning. With snow so heavy, almost all schools were closed. Many offices were as well. It seems that London was not prepared for the snow. Only one of the tube lines was running without distruption north of the city this morning. I spent the day at home when it became clear that it would be nigh on impossible for me to get into the office without walking there. In fine weather, the walk takes about 2 hours. I hate to think what it would be like in this weather. So I've had the fun of going out in the snow, playing a little, watching kids make enormous snow balls that they rolled from the roundabout up the street onto the footpath, throwing snow balls at each other (I did my throwing last night when flatmate was taking photos of the lovely streetscape) and generally running amok in their unexpected free time. There were 4x4 owners ringing up radio stations gloating that their cars could get them in to work, arguing that this was reason enough to own one even in the inner city. Personally, I think being able to get to work when everyone else I knew had a good excuse not to go was reason enough to never buy one. It was great sitting in my living room and watching the falling snow, cosy and warm inside but able to head outside if I wanted. There's supposed to be more snow later this week, so I'm wondering how the city will cope. Of course by then, this current lot will have disappeared. It's already melting away in spite of steady falls all afternoon.

But all I could think was to wonder if Nice Boy had made it into the city from his commuter-town home, and whether he'd be able to make it for our planned meet-up (fifth date...apparently we're at the dinner and movie stage in his mind now...) later this week. And it makes me struggle to think about which I prefer, snow or date? Because if it snows and public transport gets shut down, he can't make it. But the snow is so beautiful and fun, especially when it scores me a day off work. I'm yet to come up with a solution that lets me have both.

Follow through

So, the big date has now been and gone. And it went well. It went very well. In fact, right now, I'm grinning like a loon, safe in the knowledge that we have planned a repeat for Saturday night. The catch is that I am now outside my relationship knowledge. I've never really had a date-based relationship before. The only other thing I've had that came close to being classed as a relationship - sometime back around the turn of the millenium, known as the stone age to many - it was a more simple thing. He was without a car, so I picked him up. We went to pubs with mutual friends who were also dating. We went on outtings. We had a whirlwind for a few weeks, then he had to go back to his army unit and I hardly heard from him again after a month or so of his being back in Townsville. This is different. Not only because of me being older, I guess, but for other reasons too. It feels different.

But what the hell do I do know is a question that repeats itself in my head over and over again. I have no idea. Sure, I've read all the romantic books. I can theoretically fill the blanks. But i"m beyond the realms of my practical knowledge. I'm in unfamilliar territory and as happy as I am tonight, I know that the panic attack of last night is unlikely to be the last if things keep going the way they are. Damn this whole excitement thing...I can't handle the stress of having anything that remotely resembles a successful social life!!!

The iceburg

Disaster has struck. Not on the job front - busier than I care to admit at work, especially given the ever-shrinking staff levels. No. This disaster has sturck much closer to home. It's the night before the big second date. I've been getting sorted, figuring out what I'm going to wear, organising lunch for tomorrow so I don't have to do it in the morning. Everything was settled (although the outfit might yet change). And then I felt it. The tingle at the corner of my mouth. Yes folks, that's right. In the lead up to a date with a nice guy, I'm developing a cold sore. Now I can't help stopping to check every mirror I go by, and feel compelled to prod my mouth which is perhaps not the smartest idea. So for now, fingers are crossed that it's just a zit that's a little too close to my mouth. I don't really believe it, but hey...Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's not. I'll just have to distract myself with whatever I can find on TV for the rest of the night. Ooh, look, High School Musical. Great. Brainless crap with beautiful people and teen angst, all rolled up in one wholesome package. Not a zit or a cold sore to be seen. Bliss.

The wheels that fall off

It's crunch time in my office once again. Round 3 of redundancies has started. Because of my unique position, I'm not included in this round - I renewed my contract for another 2 months just before finishing up at Christmas. I'm feeling very fortunate after the way things went today. It seems I am the last of the contractors still standing in a company where there were once a lot of them. There are people far more experienced than me who are being let go. Associates and directors are taking pay cuts. Everyone jumps when their phone rings, checking to see if the call is coming from the conference room or the board room. I find myself getting tense along with them, even though I know I'm fairly safe for the moment.

We hear constant stories of other practices laying off 60 and 70 workers at a single blow. In my office, the notice about this round came out on the emails on the second day back for the year. Now people are debating whether they would rather have known before Christmas or not. Some say that they would prefer to have known, so they could curb their spending a little just in case. Others feel that it was better to have had that time stress free before the axe falls. Personally, I think I'd rather know. I hate the uncertainty that goes with not knowing what your future is. At least then I could have been a little pro-active.

It is a strange situation to be in, from my point of view. Yes, every 2 months I have to renegotiate my deal, and spend the last 2 weeks of that period frantically trying to get myself organised in case this is the last time I will have a chance to do my folio. It's still not done. I hate the thought of leaving the office where I am and being cast out into a vacant job market. I still don't understand why they seem to be going to such lengths to keep me. As far as I can see, I'm mediocre at best at what I do. I have no knowledge that others don't have. My skill set is fairly basic for someone my age. I can only conclude that I must be seriously cheap. That and the fact that I never - and I mean NEVER - argue with them. I never make waves, I just do the work. Even when I was under an alcoholic, drug crazed psycho I never openly complained. I could never see what good it would do me. I think that might have been the bit that got me through, dealing with the nut job. Perhaps they were more aware of what was going on than I thought they were. It's the only explanation I can come up with for them keeping me on when the people running the projects I work on seem to be tumbling like pins before a professional bowler. As it stands, I seem to be the spare. It's not comfortable.

I hate what is happening to the market here. The fear of people, the constant discussion of the latest company to go to the wall. There is no good news anymore, it seems. And even worse, there is no end in sight. From my precarious position half way up the ladder of project control, it is a terrifying view. And somehow, I the rungs above me on the ladder seem to be dropping on my head. If this keeps up, I'll be so far out of my depth that I will no longer be able to tread water. There are too many others who have already gone under for me to remain afloat for long, I think.

Number 2: The Dilemma

So. The guy from last week has been back in touch about a second date. And try as I might, he's putting this round on me to decide where we go. He chose a little bar not far from where he works and is now offering to come closer to my place for the second date. No issues there, really. Guess it's only fair to share out the decision making process, and it's also a chance that he wants to know what places I'll pick, if only because I was happy to let him make all the moves in round one. So. Now I have to choose somewhere.

I've suggested meeting outside the tube, keeping the options open until the last minute. Meanwhile, I've been hitting up various friends for ideas on where to go or what to do. Responses have been varied.

Our first date was simple. The bar was a nice place to have a chat, then we went the pizza option for dinner. All round, a nice vanilla first date. But this time I want something a little more cosy. I just have no idea what. It's complicated by the fact that I am broke, as ever. Makes me regret the fact that I wasted £20 on a lunch and movie expedition today...however much fun it was watching something nice and brainless for the afternoon (incidentally, tip for rom-com buffs out there...Bride Wars. Not, strictly speaking, a true rom-com, but well worth a giggle for the reincarnation of every Bride-zilla I've ever met). So, how to have a good cheap date... A friend has suggested cooking dinner for him at my place. Not a bad idea, I'm thinking. Few small catches though. No idea what sort of food he likes, other than knowning he's not a vegetarian, based on his pizza choice. Then there's the fact that, given the first date, dinner in my flat on the second might be a little too much of a jump - moving a little quicker than I might be prepared to go on this one. So, I'm still stuck. I can think of a couple of bars near where we've arranged to meet, a cafe or two. Nothing too fancy, but nice enough. There will have to be more research done. Not to mention cutting back in spending for the rest of the month. There goes my weekly lunch out at the Happy Place with the work girls. Hmm.

Does raise another question. Who should pay for a date? He offered to pay at every turn last week. I let him do it to a certain extent before making sure that I bought a round of drinks and put in for my share of dinner. It wasn't from any feminist assertive motive. I love that he tried to pay and that he was, in general, so old-fashioned gentlemanly. I just wasn't comfortable with the idea that men should pay for everything these days. I'm not saying it out of a drive for equality - although I guess it does come to that a little. I just know how expensive it could get if I am suddenly expected to pay for him a few times! I appreciate that dating must be a very expensive business for men when women just expect them to pay all the time. I don't think that shouting the other person should come so early in the potential relationship. Save it for later, and take me somewhere seriously expensive that I wouldn't be going to otherwise. Do it as a special treat, not to assert manliness. Only now, when I'm researching ideas for second dates, I've discovered that there are many different points of view about this. It seems some men feel that women who insist on paying their share are too pushy, and ought to be dumped immediately. Interesting thought, that they feel they have been stripped of their manhood by the simple splitting of the bill - not something I'd given a second thought to before.

Well, will just have to see how things play out...Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst, as ever. Do have to wonder why it's all so confusing...

The games we play

I've just gotten home from a date. It was a nice night, with a nice guy who seemed to click with me. Wednesday night is a strange night to be meeting up for drinks, but we had fun and the night really only ended because he had to catch his mus home. It's even more strange, in many ways. I'm sick of the games that go on with dating. I played this one straight down the line, not fudging anything, not holding anything back if it came out in the general run of conversation. It will be interesting to see how it pans out, in some ways. Perhaps painful in others. Because this guy was genuinely a nice guy. He seemed to be open and honest as well, a gentleman in the traditional sense of the word (holding doors open, offering to pay, not pushing any point beyond courtesy). I liked him and would like to see him again. So I didn't play any games. Told him it would be good to do this again at the end of the night. But it feels like that was too much. Why?

How is it that telling the truth about such things can scare people away? I would like to see him again, to find out more. I have the sense that perhaps he'd like to see me again. He certainly said so and, unless he was playing a game as well, we might. But what if he was playing by the rules when i had thrown them out? Am I going to be left wondering again? And how long is it right to be left wondering for? Oh, I know all the rules for when you've been on a date on the weekend...if you don't hear anything by Wednesday, it's too short notice to be free on the weekend and all of that. I know Wednesday is the traditional day for making the weekend arrangements. but I already know that he's busy on the weekend. And our date was on a Thursday. What are the rules for mid-week dating, other than not getting too drunk to turn up at work the next day?

And just as importantly,many of my friends are on the other side of the world, blissfully unaware of - or ignoring - the fact that I want to dissect and discuss what happened. I want to go over every nuance of the conversation, every piece of information that was shared. Every detail of his life that he gave away. But those of them who do know that I've been out - a select few, it seems, given how many are away on holidays or have been out of contact since the arrangement was made this time last week - are either out of contact or unresponsive. I've just been on a good date in adverse circumstances (note to self: never wear new shoes on a date. Second item, never wear high heels in icy conditions in the morning and expect an unscathed ankle come nightfall). I want to know what other people think of the fact that he was waiting until the latest moment he could be certain that his bus would still be there waiting for him after he said good night to me. I want to hear their thoughts on his let's do this again sometime. I need to know if they think it was a mistake to send a 'thanks for a good night' text when I got home, given that there's been no response. But they're not there. So I can't tell for myself if abandonning the rules I'v eplayed to date was a good idea or not. I guess I'll just have to do what every other girl on the face of the earth, including earlier incarnations of myself, have done, and what it out. I just hope he gets in touch, because he seems like he might be worth the effort, so far. Meh, who can really tell after a first date???